Drowning

Counting

There are many things in life that you aren't expecting to appear; Emmett was that for me. But at the same time, there are many things we don't expect to disappear; Emmett was that as well.

* * * * * * * * * *

The month of May brought sunny days. My blinds remained shut and my sunglasses weren't strong enough to keep out the bright light. Emmett remained in the hospital while his burns healed and they continued testing to monitor how his brain was handling the aftermath. I visited daily, waiting for Stan to come and tell me that there were no changes and send me home.

My grades were faltering, and so were my relationships. Maggie tried to talk to me, but I sat alone in the windowsill, starring at the water and thinking of Emmett's eyes searching my own, trying to find some familiarity. Mark visited multiple times a week, offering to take me out, but I sat looking at the food, wondering if Emmett still liked The Bakery's hot chocolate and raspberry danishes. Gram called me often, asking when I would visit, but I always sank into myself when it wasn't Emmett's name that flashed across my phone.

The month of June brought warmer weather. My sweaters weren't thick enough and my blood too thin to keep out the cold. Emmett was told he would be discharged in another month and discovered that his brain was healing wonderfully. I visited every other day, waiting for Stan to come and tell me about Emmett's thoughts, each of them lacking any mention of my name or face.

I ended my semester with straight A's. Maggie began looking for a new apartment and I only wondered where I would live now that Emmett didn't remember wanting to share one with me. Mark was caught up in campaigning and I was curious if Emmett would recognize his name on the commercials. Gram continued to call me, and Emmett's name never flashed across the screen.

Joey came to visit me in the month of June. His deployment had ended and he had gone to see Emmett before coming here. He apologized and heard from Stan that I was the first one to make sure he was okay. Emmett still didn't remember me. Joey reached into his back pocket and handed me a black box. "He had it in his cabin," Joey told me as I opened it to an extravagant diamond ring with pink edges that glittered in the sunlight that I tried to keep out with my blinds. "He bought it in Italy, said that he loved the color pink against your eyes." Joey looked at me warmly, but I was too numb to respond. He left me with the box that held all of my heart.

The month of July brought dampened air and endless tourists that my tears outnumbered and outweighed. Emmett was discharged this month and was reminded to change the gauze twice a day and wear his brace at night. I called Stan once a week, hearing that Emmett was getting along fine and finding nothing that reminded him of me.

I spent a lot of time in my apartment. Mark had agreed to move in with me next month since Maggie still planned on moving out. She came and talked to me about the new place, and I told her that she would miss the lake. Mark explained that the campaign was going well and his popularity was growing, and I told him that his smile could win anyone over. Gram called me every few days and told me that she found someone, and I told her that if he wasn't Texan he wouldn't make the cut.

The month of August brought cooler nights and brighter stars that I couldn't resist. I called Stan once the entire month, and found out that Emmett was up for another deployment soon, since he had no desire to do anything else. He had clearly not remembered me, because he told me he wanted to go back to school, but that was just another thing lost.

Maggie moved out and promised to call me once a week and visit every weekend. I missed her a lot once she left. Mark moved in and we got into more fights than ever before. I told him that he had better remember to leave the toilet seat down, otherwise I was going to hit him with the bowl brush until he got it right. Gram had me over to meet her boyfriend who was from the south, but Alabama instead of Texas. I told him that he was really close, so I would give him a try.

I went to the lighthouse in the month of August, sitting in the same place I had before Emmett left. I looked out on the water and imagined that I had never brought him here. It didn't even matter because he couldn't remember. I realized that I had never revealed so much to one person before. Even Mark and Gram didn't know about this lighthouse. Emmett knew my whole story, inside and out, but now all my secrets were my own again.

I screamed at the top of my lungs. I had given my life to him, and he didn't even know my name. I cried for hours as I sat in the lighthouse. My heart spilled before me and I felt that ripping it out would hurt less. This feeling was not only emotional. My chest was inflamed and my throat raw. My limbs ached for the feeling of his around me. My skin burned, craving his touch. My lips pulsed, awaiting his to meet them. My body was in shambles, and he was living in ignorance.

The month of September brought new classes and gusts of wind that I accepted with open arms. Stan called me this month to tell me that Emmett was deployed and he took my father to court. He found evidence of substance abuse and physical abuse, but towards my mother, not me. He put him in jail, and my mother left to return to her home town. Mark and I embraced at the news and I cried tears of relief. He would never touch me again.

Maggie loved her new apartment. I saw her every day at school for lunch, since our schedules worked out to allow us both an hour at noon each day. I told her about Mark's campaign and she said that she was telling everyone she knew about him. Mark blew around like a tornado every day following Flo and Stan's orders. He was finalizing his speeches and had just made it onto the party roster. His life was coming together, and I was lucky to be a part of it.

Gram took a vacation with her boyfriend to Alabama to enjoy some time on the beach. She called me every few days and revealed that the warm weather suited her nicely. School was already overwhelming, and junior year was only starting. All of my free time went to studying and that was okay.

Lighthouse visits were often and I stared at the water most of the time, imagining I would turn around and look into eyes the same color. I found some of his clothes in the back of my closet, so I slept with them often, but soon let them find their way to the trashcan. His voice sounds in my dreams and his face appears in the fog. Emmett was gone, but I would not forget him. I saw him in the rain and the snow. I saw him in the dark and the light. He was present in the water and the fire. He was all around me, but missing all the same. I would not forget Emmett as long as he held a place in my heart. He may have done so with me, but I refused to allow myself that luxury.

I have found that it is better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all.