You Are My Happiness (Ianthony)

Alt. ending 1 - Moving on

Anthony's POV

If I told you that I was fine, I would be lying. I'm dead and from the other side, I have now watched my best friend and crush move on with the life we were supposed to live together. Of course, I'm glad that he's still hanging in there after my death. It was unbearable to see him cry himself to sleep and punching the wall as he kept telling me to come back for him. I really wanted to reach out for him, but I couldn't. Ian wouldn't hear, see or feel my presence. I wish I could tell him that I was still here, but I can't and now he will think I'm gone. Like, really gone from any universe imagined. 

I remember seeing my funeral. Ian's speech was beautiful and I cried. I cried loudly, but no one would ever hear nor care. As Ian's speech ended, the priest concluded the ceremony and my coffin got carried out. Ian didn't help. I understood why. He didn't want to touch it. It contained my dead body and I understand that he wouldn't enjoy the thought. Ian had walked slowly behind the coffin and its carriers, trying to hide his tears. But he could never hide his tears from me, he has never been able to do that. We know each other too well. 

When my coffin was sunken down, Ian stepped forward and threw a red rose onto the coffin. The sign of love. 

-

The first month after the funeral was a pain for me. I kept watching Ian and making sure he was still hanging, but he was close to the edge. He kept saying that he wanted to die, just to see me again. At those times, I yelled at the top of my ghost lungs, tears stinging in my eyes "don't you dare, Hecox. I want to hold you, and I want you to see me, but I won't let you take your own life". As always, he wouldn't hear.

-

Although, he did listen. In a way unexplainable. He kept on living. Never self-harmed, never attempted suicide. Maybe he did hear me, but thought it was his own subconcious talking to him?  Doesn't matter, what does matter is that he is okay.

It's now three years after my transferring to the other side, and I am still watching him. I might sound like some kind of "ghost-stalker", but I will always keep my eyes on him. I won't let my eyes miss the sight of his gorgeous blue eyes and his amazing body. He could've been mine, if I wasn't such of a wimp. Maybe I would still be alive as well? None of that matters now, he's got someone else. One and a half year ago, he started hanging out with this really pretty girl named Melanie. She seemed cool and she treats Ian well. I guess that means that Ian's bisexual? Anyway, I'm happy for him. Melanie and Ian are now married, and Melanie is expecting twins. I have always wondered how mini-Ians would look like. I bet they're absolutely irresistible, just like him. 

Ian seems happy now, but I still see him cry and swear once in a while. Melanie has been around to comfort him, but sometimes he makes sure he's alone. I understand he wants to release his feelings without people seeing, he's always been like that. He doesn't always trust others enough to let them in, and on top of that: he's shy. At least he opened for Melanie, and their relationship are going swimmingly. Although I'm over the top jealous of Melanie for being the one to have the honoured to call Ian hers, I am glad that Ian has her to make him happy when I can't. 

As time pass, I realize that I can't keep doing this forever. The reason why I wanted to watch Ian, was to make sure he did okay. Now that I know he is, and that I trust Melanie to make sure he stays that way, I will have to move on soon. Ian would have wanted me to find peace and not to dwell in this mediumstage. I understand that I can't be here forever, but I don't want to let him go. I don't want my eyes to lose the sight of him. I don't want my ears to lose the sound of his voice, his laughter. I don't want to lose Ian. I have no idea what to expect when I finally let go. Will I disappear? Will I go into this eternal sleep? Will I be reborn as a baby with no memories of Ian at all? That is what I fear. To lose the memory of Ian. He's simply too valuable to me to lose. I am scared. Not scared of what will happen to me, but of losing Ian. Losing him again. That is what keeps me away from peace: the fear of losing the most important person in my life. If I knew the memories would stay, as I'm in my eternal sleep: I could move on. But if I get reborn as someone else, I will probably never see Ian again. Never.