My Fucked Up Life.

The Test.

I cruise up the street to the light, stop, and cross.
I ride my bike up, and see him sitting.
He waves and I wave back and smile.

I sit next to him and say good morning.
He says it back.
We stay quiet for a little while.
We both know why we're here..
He walked 5 miles to meet me here for this specific reason.

I rest my head on his shoulder and sigh.
He tilts my head up and kisses me softly.
He tells me he loves me and asks for the money that I brought.
I give it to him and tell him it back.

He stares at me.
"Okay baby.. you stay out here, and I'll be right back. There's no way I'm making you go inside with me."

I kiss him again.
"Okay. It'll be okay love"

I watch as he walks off.
I can feel myself slipping.
I can feel everything that could possibly happen to him closing in on us.
I drop my phone and start running my hands through my hair.
I tug lightly on it.

When I was on the phone with him this morning he was crying.
When he was walking here, he had a panic attack on Broadway.
I have to be strong.

I promised that I would protect him.

He walked up to me with a small box in his hand wrapped in plastic.
He gently picked up my bag, and set the box in it.
He sat back down on the curb with me.

He laid his head on my shoulder.
"So just... take one when you get home... and then another in a week or so and then we'll see okay?"

I kiss the top of his head.
"Okay baby.. you know it's probably nothing right?"

"I know. Peace of mind will make us feel so much better babe."

I lay down with my head in his lap and ask if I can act like a child.

He snickers and tells me only if he can.

He leans down, tilts my chin up, kisses me softly.

Even though we're both there for terrifying reason summer I'm so happy that I get to see him today.
Tells me he should head back before people notice that he's gone.

He kisses me again and tells me he loves me.
I tell him I love him back.

I pull his face in and kiss him again, knowing that I won't see him again for a couple weeks.

We both stand up, and I hug him tightly.
He kisses me again.

I pick up my bike and walk off with it as he walks the same way on the sidewalk.

He waves at me and I wave back. We walk towards each other again at the crosswalk.

He looks at me and pretends to be all surprised that I'm there.
I giggle and play along like we weren't just togrther.
He winks at me.
I can see the fear in his dark eyes and tell him I love him and to be careful walking home.
He says it back and wishes himself good luck on his scratch ticket.

I wave bye when the light changes and he waves back.

On my way home, I start hyperventilating.
I can't breathe.
I break down now that he doesn't see me,
Now that I don't have to be strong in front of him.

The tears stream down my face as I think about what could happen to my baby.

I wipe my face off, and go inside.
I curl up on my bed and hug his shirt into my face.
I breathe in his scent and feel better.