My Fucked Up Life.

A Final Goodbye.

I know you are sleeping. probably.
But.
I can actually breathe now.
I'm sorry for everything that's happened.
I need to say whatever comes out of this and I need you to read it.

I'm not telling you this to change your mind.
I'm not lying.
I just don't want you to be wrong about me.

Because yesterday on the phone with you I couldn't hardly speak without my voice cracking.

I pray to God, "your God" every day asking for help. Asking for an answer. Asking not to hurt anymore.
Before I go to sleep.
Sometimes just randomly in the middle of the day.
I used to actually study scripture and the only reason I stopped was because my grades were dropping and I needed to fix them.

I accepted Jesus into my fucking heart two years ago and was baptized at camp.
I know how you feel right now.
You feel new. And clear minded and loved and like there's nothing wrong.
Because that's what that camp does to you.
The only reason I'm not going this year is because it's expensive.

I'm sorry for not giving you time away from me to yourself.
I really am.

But I also know this is what you were going to do when you got back.
I knew you'd leave me.
I knew you'd tell me to get out of your life forever.
And that blinded me.
I just... I wanted to see you once before you left me.

I don't think you know how much I love you.
I would have been with you..
I gave you my heart. And you just.. you..

I don't know. You hurt it. And I know I hurt you just as bad but. You were never mine. I could never call you mine.
I wish I could.

I truly believed that you loved me. I tried to make myself believe that you meant it. That you really were my friend.

That you wouldn't leave me.

Because friends don't just abandon each other.
They don't just leave you. They don't abandon you, knowing what it'll do to you. Knowing that it'll kill you.

Amanda is my friend.
Amanda sat there in my room while I texted you. While I cried.
Amanda sat there next to me while you talked to me. While you told me That you were leaving me.
She did the best she could.
She held my hand while I bawled into her pillow listening and holding on to every word.
I cried and cried and then you hung up.

And I lost it. I cracked. I bawled into her pillow for so long.

And then I sniffed and ate a strawberry.

And bawled some more.

I wish I could change your mind. I wish I do something. Because right Now, in the middle of the night, I'm sitting here while she's asleep typing this to you, crying.

I just.
I miss you. So much. I wish I could take it all back.
I know I didn't treat you well..
But I tried dammit. I tried so hard to be good to you. I tried to see you. I tried to be happy and cheery and bring you sweets and be okay to be around.
In fact there's chocolate from this fancy sweets shop sitting on my desk at home for you...
I just..

I missed you while you were gone. I've missed you for a long time.

I know things will never be the same with you and I.

But I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm going to be okay on my own.
I can't talk to anyone about you.

You told me you'd always be there for me to confide in.

But you're not.

I can't talk to anyone about you. Talking to you about you helps the most honestly.
But now I can't.

Please tell me.
What's this plan you talked about.
You won't know if I hurt myself.
You won't know if I cut and burn and starve.
You won't know if I decide to take it all the way and end my life.
The only way you'd find out is from me not coming to school.

I remember you staying up late at night with me once.
When I was so fucking close to killing myself.
I had a bottle full of pills and a big glass full of orange juice. I was so ready to do it.
So sure. That I didn't want to hurt anymore.
But you convinced me to just sleep.
No one will want to do that.
He will tell me things like it's not worth it and basically stop being a teenager. Honestly he's not going to stay with me.
It doesn't matter though.

I'm not good enough for him.

I know this is taking forever. And I'm sorry.
Please don't delete these.
Please please let me know you actually read this and didn't just open it up and delete them. Please read them.
Keep them. Read them. Don't ignore me. I deserve that at least don't I?

I deserve to die.
I want to die. I want to go into my room. And take the pills under my pillow. Or slice up my skin and bleed out. Or fuck I could shoot my fucking self.

It's what deserve.

There will be no funeral by the way.
My body will be coated in cement and dropped into a reef to help coral grow.
So....

I'm running out of things to say...
So...
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry for everything I've done to you.

I love to so much.
I love you now.
I'll love you tomorrow.
I'll love you next month.
I'll love you next year.

That won't change or stop no matter what has happened or will happen.

No matter who I am with.

No matter who you are with.

No matter where I am in life or death.

I love you.

I'll always love you.