Avenir // tyler joseph

twenty-seven // i've been told by the sky that the ocean i shall win

--Tyler's P.OV--

I felt like everybody on this earth had to have a moment where something made them feel physically sick. Whether it be a conversation or something that was witnessed, the sickness feeling still appeared and I'm not talking about just getting a headache or something. I'm talking about feeling like you are going to vomit and pass out and even after you pass out, you'll still feel like you're puking everywhere.

Right now, in this hospital hallway, with Courtney being the only other person near me, I felt physically sick and she hadn't even spoken a word yet. My hands were trembling by my sides and I shakily ran a hand through my hair, trying to force deep breaths out of my body. I could hear the blood pumping through my ears and I wish Josh could be beside me for moral support. I always felt better when he was around.

But this situation was something that I had to face alone. Whatever was about to come out of Courtney's mouth was only between her and I. Nobody else had anything to do with this and I didn't want anybody else involved. Confessing to Courtney how much I loved her was bad enough without including somebody that could care less.

"Tyler, can you hear me?"

I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I jolted myself out of my thoughts to see Courtney looking at me in concern.

I nodded, quickly. "Yeah, yeah, I can hear you."

That wasn't a lie, but it was also not the total truth either. It was like my hearing was muffled, kind of like my head was underwater. However, I could still hear everything she was saying.

"I'm paying attention, Courtney," I assured her. "You can continue on with whatever you were going to say."

I was petrified of what she was going to say. Whatever words she was holding back in her head were the deciding factor on whether my happiness would actually become a reality or not. I took a deep breath as she started talking.

"This is a hard decision for me and you know that. I stayed up all night thinking about what my heart wanted, thinking about what was best for my children as well. I know you don't like Pierre, but Tyler, I'm always going to be bonded to him. I have three children with him and I'm always going to have to see him even if I pick you.".

I stayed silent as she messed with the hem of her t-shirt. When she lifted her head to continue speaking, I tried to remind myself to breathe.

"I know you love me, but watching him with our little girl last night and today has opened my eyes a whole lot more. He is the person I'm supposed to marry and be with for the rest of my life. I want to be with him for the rest of my life because I love him so much that hurts. And I love you too, Tyler, but I just can't be with you. I can't do it and I am so sorry."

I swear I stopped breathing. My entire body became numb and I slowly reached out to press my hand against the cold wall of the hospital, lowering my body down to the floor.

Courtney's hands were cupping my face in an instance, forcing my eyes to meet hers. She was begging; trying to get me to understand.

"I want to be friends. I want you to be around my children without you being bitter over Pierre or chasing after me. I just want us to have a normal relationship where we both know where we stand instead of us being insanely confused around one another. I still want you in my life, Tyler."

It felt like every wall was closing in on me. I couldn't see straight and my vision suddenly became blurry; like tunnel vision. I felt extremely dizzy and I could tell that Courtney was speaking to me, but I couldn't make out what she was saying.