DEEP CONVICTIONS

You know.

I sit in the shadows of a long day awaiting the morning star to rise. I know that what awaits for me in coming days, is the fall.
  This poppy field will die.
   Longing for the climb of new horizons  and fearing those heights. How the wind is as it blows against you as you reach for the next hand hold.
   Fighting the elements as you trudge a new start. I know the feeling of a new beginning. I'm being reminded of its uncomfortable feeling a lot lately.
   Second guessing your decisions another second time after the last fifteen times. Still wondering if what the next day will bring.
   Uncertainties are never worth overthinking. I know this.
   And yet....
   It's enough to write here.
   Preparing for a downward spiral is never easy. Preparing for the worst is never comfortable.
   Preparing yourself for such things is a waste of good imagination.
   I know this.
  And yet here I am.
   The taste of it, is overwhelming. The weight of it, is heavier than expected.
   But hey.
   I didn't come all this way to leave as dumb as I came in. It would be a shame that I came this far and I didn't know how to weather the storms of change.
   No matter the outcome, I know the beginning is the hardest. The change is inevitable. The time will come when you must adapt to whatever obstacles present themselves.
   It will be a tough time.
   It is a tough time now.
   I've become complacent. I've become docile. I have had it easy. I should be grateful.
   And yet, here I am. As fearful as the mouse caught in the living room with the lights on.
   The choice is mine either way.
   Live in faith or live in fear.
   The wheels are spinning without traction. The lights are on and I may be home alone.
   My teeth ache and yet I smile.
   To each their own and there's nothing to grasp. Cliffhanger, in a high rise at rock bottom.
   I've always known how to snatch failure from the jaws of success. When will it be my turn to take the leap into the unknown abyss of my own ocean of awesomeness instead of getting kicked out of the public pool of despair.
    The heavy breath as it escapes as you take yet another step toward doom. You stare in its eyes.
   Your knees quake as your back foot leaves the ground. It's been so long since you've had to face the unknown. The air chills your tonsils as you suck wind for forward momentum but the there is nothing but wind holding you down.
   You toss the cables that anchor you.
    Everywhere you look there is another looking down at you through a magnifying glass. Their silence tells you all you need to know.
   Anxiety gets the best of you. In decision making, in questionable thinking. In your history of dire fuckups.
They all know you. They all know what you have been keeping.
   What was once a crutch, has been torn from you. The pressure is deep below water. Harder to keep holding onto the veil as its pulled over away from you.
   Like a child hiding under its covers, not wanting to be exposed.
   How long did I think I could stay in this poppy field? Did I not know the field would die when out of season? The fall is coming. Everything dies in the fall.
   The season of change is coming.
    I have had a great time. I really have.  I would be lying if I told you any different. What a good time it's been.