DEEP CONVICTIONS

Its Been Awhile.

  So I sit here thinking about all the things going on around me and I know it's been a long while since I jotted down anything truly noteworthy here really.
   It isn't you. I promise. Jajaja
  This life is funny, isn't it?
   Like, I can work pretty hard at keeping a frequency in which seems regularly stable and the next... I am struggling with it. Or I am keeping a good rhythm, at realize that this human has too many irons in the fire.
   Literally a level one juggler and trying my hands at becoming a full on jester. Keeping up the act of professionalism while hiding away all my fumbles while trying to pick up the falling pieces, pretending nobody's watching eyes lay upon me.
    I'm no juggling juggernaut. It's true. If you have read to here, I thank you for your patience.
    I once had no mask. I once had no alternate face that I could put on. Just pull it off the wall and try it on.
   No outlets. No way to cut loose and I had to grind out every feeling I ever had at a buffet and working out in a gym until I felt well enough for sleep.
   It's not that different today really.
   I grind a enough to feed maybe three people everyday. I live in fucking America. We eat like Kings over here.
   I still hit the gym but not as I once did.
   Truthfully, I've become lazy as fuck. JajJa sometimes even too lazy to jot a few meaningful lines here.
   And dropping shit here doesn't feel all that great.
   You know I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think I will try to drop a good line here for a change. You know, like the one you don't need toilet paper for. No need for wet wipes...
   The kind of shit you just pull your pants up and go. That kind of shit.
   So anyways, I've been doing everything a man my age can do. Really.
   I work. I eat. Sleep. Shit and repeat!
   I do a little more than that.
   This year I have done a little traveling.
   We went to Hawaii. Maui to be exact.
    The lifestyle there is pretty tough if you want to live there. I used to dream about wanting to move there...  I used to dream about living there. But after learning more about some of the folks I met while visiting there makes me really happy about my living arrangements right where I am.
    People, that I talked to actually work two on average and some three fucking jobs to live in paradise. Three jobs? Man, it was beautiful there though.
   I seen so many things I never imagined.
   People have to work their asses off to live there though. Anyone who says Hawaiians are lazy, don't know shit about what they're talking about.
   I've been working 50-54 hours a week. As an artist who loves what I do for about 36 to 40 hours a week. So maybe 16 hours of work a week is more like it. But then to go put more time in at one or two more jobs would be way out of line for me.
   I barely have time to jot shit down now. I can see why there isn't more dudes my age from Hawaii writing in here though. Probably working and any extra time they get they share with the ocean, or spend time in their rad bamboo forest or hanging out in the Hanna. The volcanic black sand beach. But they're not sitting in here jotting down random thoughts.

   I've taken up a new hobby though. Yeah, 42 years old trying to learn something little boys learn with their fathers.
  I took up fishing. I never thought I would be able to get into it. Honest.
   I am yet to catch anything longer than my forearm but I do get into it. That feeling you get when you feel that jerk in the line.
   It is pretty rad. So far I have caught ten fish. Not all of them were pic worthy.  Not bad for a guy who has no previous fish catching skills. I'm making them.
   I never knew how competitive fishing is. I didn't realize how many people fish. Crazy.
   Have you ever told a random person you went fishing?  Oh, they are so patient while you tell your tall tale about your fish. And if you have a picture of your fish which in my case looks like this.

  "I caught this little big mouth bass the the other day! Bla blah bla bla. It isn't much but the little bastard was a fighter!"
   They listen and smile and let you say everything about the details in your story of fishing. Jajaja. And then it comes.
  The question. Maybe you have been here before. Maybe you know exactly what the question is. Maybe you're the person I'm talking about.
   They say, "Man, that's awesome! I'm glad you found fishing!" ( compliments before disparaging remark ) " would you like to see the last fish I caught?" Then the hand goes in pocket with confident smile and out comes their phone.

  Jajaja. If they fish, this happens every time. This fish's body looks wider than his in this photo.  What a monster!!!
   The feeling is emasculating. And then, (the shut down). I cannot wait to catch my monster so I can do this to someone. Im sure it's fishing tradition.
   So every weekend is spent trying to catch a killer.
   What else have I been doing? A lot of family stuff. My son graduated high school this year. He is an adult now.
   All my kids are adults. That's a tough pill to swallow. It really is. All the rules have changed for me.
   I look around and see young adults with their children and I think of those days when I could dress them up anyway I wanted to.
   Cowboys to ballerinas. All the cute little outfits.
   I think I want another one.  Another child. I want to do it all over again. Crazy right?
   Why the fuck would I want to do that???
    I just miss the daily mission. Get them dressed and get them to school. Pick them up and make them dinner. I'm really at a loss for more shit to do. Like I have time for it.
   But the kids are so damn cute man!
   Why do I feel the 'want' to do it again.
   All my kids are perfect in their own way. I wouldn't change a thing about them. They are more of me than some of them want to be. They are mentally exactly where I was at the time. I can see that. For real!
  Even if they cannot. I can.
   I have never planned a baby before.
   Why would I want to now? I guess I just miss the daily mission. But knowing what I know now, I would be an awesome fucking dad! Not that I am not now.
   Hey, I'm pretty fucking rad.
   People used to tell me, that once I caught a fish on my own, you will wonder why you didn't try it sooner. Man, the missed opportunities in my life. Honestly I've been told the same thing about riding motorcycles.
   Once you try it, you will wonder why you didn't try it sooner.
  Perhaps maybe I shall try it. I'm sure Tancy would like to ride bike with me. Im sure she would be mad about selling her motorcycle for a minute but I'm sure she could get another one.
     I love these changes in my life. I just wish I could juggle better my friends.
    1300 words.
   I guess I can leave it there.
  Good night.