I'm Coming Home

19

M A D D I E

It hurts like hell, ye know. Seeing the one you love with the one she truly love. Torture. But what else can I do? I can't make Bea happy as when she was with Jhoana. I do envy Jho, for when Bea looks at her, you can see her eyes sparkling with so much admiration, love. I love Bea, more than myself, sure she loves me too, but will her love for me be enough?

"Bakit Maddie?" Asked Marci. We're on the same room, remember? We were lying in the beds of our own with the deepest thoughts of ours.

"Anong bakit?" I answered back.

"Bakit mo to ginagawa? I thought you love Bea? And to think that you two are in a relationship. It's just making me a muddleheaded." I can hear confusion in his deep calm voice.

"There you said it. Kasi nga mahal ko."

"Mahal mo? Edi dapat pinaglalaban mo."

"Yeah. I did, but I do know, from the very start that however, how much I try to fight for her, I will lose. That how much effort I will put up in this battle, I will just lose with Jhoana, with her doing nothing. She'll win over me with no effort at all no matter what. Cuz she already won Bea's heart, since forever." I felt a tear escaped. Masakit. "E ikaw? Mahal mo si Jho diba? Bakit?"

"Mahal na mahal. Higit pa sa higit. But I guess, my love for her will never be enough. I tried to win her heart, many times, and dang! I failed everytime I did try." And so I heard his sobs. He's suppressing his tears. "Ang sakit Maddie. Sobrang sakit, na kulang na lang magmakaawa ako't lumuhod sa harap ni Jhoana para mahalin ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napakatanga ng letseng pusong to para paulit-ulit na piliin siya. I was there, witnessing how much she hurt herself trying to convert the extreme pain she's feeling in her heart. She didn't know, I died inside everytime she'd do that. Alam mo bang pinagdadasal ko gabi-gabi na sana, kinabukasan, mga malulutong na tawa ni Jho yung gigising sakin? At hindi yung mga tunog ng nababasag na bagay, iyak, sigaw at hinagpis nya? Makikita mo na lang syang nakaupo na parang walang buhay, walang tigil sa pag-iyak. Tatakbo ako papunta sa kanya, yayakapin ko sya ng sobrang higpit nun, kaso ang masakit, oo kilala nya ko, pero ang sasabihin nya, "Marci, si Bea. Nasan si Bea? Mahal na mahal ko sya." Ramdam na ramdam ko yung sakit na nararamdaman mo, Marci.

"Bagay nga talaga sila no? Ganyang ganyan din si Bea e. She will not miss a day without visiting Jho at the cemetery. Umulan umaraw, consistent yon. Umiiyak lang ng umiiyak. Hindi nya alam, nasa likod lang nya ko. Handang damayan sya sa sakit, handang gawin ang lahat para mawala yung sakit. Pero hindi sya lumingon, kahit minsan hindi nya ko nilingon. Sobrang wasted ni Bea nung mga panahong yun, she even forgot how to smile, seriously. Ewan ko nga din ba sa sarili ko bakit hindi ko mapangiti yung tanong mahal ko. Minsan pa nga, pinagtangkaan nyang tapusin na yung buhay nya e. Gago yon e. Buti na lang dumating ako kagad at nakita sya. Handa naman akong bigyan ulit ng kahulugan yung buhay nya e. But as I said, I will never be enough for her and it breaks my whole being." Hindi ko na kaya, umiiyak na kaming dalawa.

"You said you're willing to give her life a meaning. She refused. She denied, cause for her, Jhoana will always be the meaning of life for her." He tried not to stutter. "Yung araw na tinangka ni Bea magpakamatay, Jho saw it. Kung hindi ka dumating agad para pigilan si Bea, ako din, malamang hindi ko na napigilan si Jho na lapitan si Bea. Araw-araw nakasunod si Jho sa bawat pupuntahan ni Bea, nakamasid sya sa bawat gagawin ni Bea. Kaya alam ni Jho kung gano nasaktan si Bea, kung gano winasak ng lintek na pagkamatay na yan si Bea. Awang awa ako sa kanilang dalawa, gusto kong tumulong, para sa mahal ko, pero ayokong makialam, ayokong mas lalong makagulo."