Dear Diary: Stay Away

Entry 2: 06/10/16

Dear Diary,

I am so tired... I couldn't stop thinking about her today.

Not when I was babysitting the most active children ever.

Not when I had to do chores.

Not when I was being hit on by Mr. Stalker.

Not even when I was being treated as an outcast during my younger sister's machine-pitch game (baseball).

Dealing with losing my girlfriend wasn't as hard as dealing with losing her. And with the fact that I can't go a night without crying over what we used to have, that's saying a lot...

I want to forget about her... like how she said she'd forget about me.

I guess the first step is to not talk about her...

Okay then. I can do this...

So, stalker guy says he's going to get me a gift. Even though he threatens me with his death and he pushes me to move on from my ex when I'm not ready, I still feel bad about that. If it weren't for his stalker act, I would say he is genuinely a nice guy. He's been through a lot, so I can understand where his actions came from.

I don't want to be with him though. Him being this nice is making me feel obligated to date him...

At least I won't be in the middle of a relationship, and I won't have anyone hurt if I were to say yes...

I couldn't even last one day with the resolution to stop thinking about her... everything brings me back to her...

I'm so pathetic...

Maybe that's why I'm ignored as part of the team...

What's that about you ask?

Well Diary, I know you didn't ask but I will still explain.

My sister plays on a young baseball team. The coach is enthusiastic, but as a person who has played the sport for years I can say his coaching methods are not the best.

On the first game, he left part of his team unsupervised for the last half and they had to handle the game by themselves when they didn't even understand it.

So, I stepped in.

I helped the kids bat, I helped them with running the bases, I made sure they had good positions, I made them get a little more excited for their team, and I helped keep the dugout organized. I honestly enjoyed helping. I decided to help out more with the team.

Second game came and I basically became coach.
I arrived early, I helped them warm up, I helped them get in batting order, I helped showing them how to bat and gave them tips on how to fix their batting, I helped them find their spot when they were batting, I helped them know when to run, I made sure they stayed under control and that they paid attention, I helped them figure out where the ball would be hit from the other team, and I made them excited about the game.

I learned everyone's name on the team, which is a big accomplishment for me because I'm horrible with names. I even made friends with the team and the helpers and got their respect.

When the game was over they were congratulating the coach.

He didn't do anything. My parents even saw that.

I said I didn't mind because I didn't, I was there for the kids. I wanted to help them, not get praise. I wasn't trying to take anyone's job.

Today was the third game. They lost 4-5, but this has been their best game so far.

I did all the same things, and this time the coach helped with some stuff. It was the end of the game, and it was one of the kids birthday so they brought cupcakes. They said it was for everyone who was a part of the team. They gave it to all the coaches, all the players, even the coach assistant, and they still had left over. They didn't even look at me.

It wasn't so much about the cupcake, I didn't mind. What hurt was that even though I put all my work into these kids, I still am not part of the team. I'm not accepted into the group, and I don't think I ever will be. I'm just an outsider: unimportant but I'm still there. No one sees me. Being on that field makes me feel like I'm in elementary or even middle school a few years back. I do so much work and do my best, but still I'm no one. I'm just a person who's there. They love my work, but they wouldn't care if I was gone.

Maybe I should just give them what they want... I helped the kids, and they're all smart. I have no doubt that they will learn more over time. I'm just a waste to the team at this point, so I don't know if I should bother them anymore...

I think that's all that I need to get off my chest today. I'll come rant about my unbelievable life again tomorrow. As of now, by Diary.

Sincerely,
Me