Dear Diary: Stay Away

Entry 7: 9/15/16

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I've talked to you... Almost three months...

A lot has happened but almost nothing has changed...

At this point I still only have two friends: my best friend since first grade and my neighbor. My friend has come over quite a bit, but we still don't hang out as often as I would like. My neighbor comes over every other day. Yet, with her I found out she's in such deep depression that she's borderline suicidal. I try everything I can to help her, and I can only hope I'm making a difference in her life.

My other "friend", well, I honestly don't know where we stand. You see, we don't live close to each other, so she has other friends besides me. I understand that, but what she's always done is she will talk to me almost nonstop for months, then out of no where she might leave for a few hours, next time it will be for the whole day, then the whole week, suddenly I get dropped out of her life until she has a problem. She's tries stopping that, but somehow we always end in the same spot... This time, I was more understanding. She has friends, more than I do, and she wants to hang out with them. It's not her fault.

However, what caused this was that she was leaving and then didn't talk to me again, yet she was bragging about how she was always bored and wanting to talk someone. It hurt because I felt like I wasn't enough of a friend in her opinion... Oh well, she talked to me and I said her not speaking to me was fine. I knew she was getting close to the part in her routine where she cuts me off completely, so I was getting less attached to her. We talked a few more days and then I went to my aunt's house which is like 150 miles away. I like my family, but I don't fit in with them... I always feel alone, and they always ignore me. I had to act like it didn't bother me. This friend of mine texted me in the morning saying she was upset. I asked why and she said her friends were supposed to spend time with her but instead chose to hang out without her. I felt sorry for her, but all I could think was ,"So you spend time with your friends and they leave you to hang out with each other and suddenly they're horrible, but you always ditch me to hang with your friends andI have to act like it doesn't hurt so you don't feel bad. How does that work." I didn't tell her that. I just kept quiet and left the conversation. I spent the rest of the day alone.

I texted her later on my ride back home. I was still a little hurt, but she needed a friend. She told me she was go to have to leave soon because she was going to hang out with her friend. I pretended like it didn't bother me and closed myself again. I answered in short messages, and didn't keep talking to her more than I had to. After all, I wouldn't want to keep her from her real friends. The more I kept it in, the more I realize how she treats her friends and how she treats me are way different. She makes time for her friends and drops everything for them. I'm always the option she occupies when those one aren't around. I got more mad and I guess it showed. She started getting upset and I offered to leave since I would hate to upset her. She said she was already upset before I texted so I'm not the reason why.

That wasn't a big deal, but I snapped. I should have figured. She'd actually have to care. I'd actually have to be able to affect her to make her upset. I only told her. "figures". She wanted to know what that meant. I said I didn't want to say because she won't like it. She persisted and so I finally told her. She told me to stop being a bitch and to get my head out of my ass because that was my fault. I told her she's getting mad and saying I'm a bitch for me telling her my feelings when I didn't want to say it. I said whatever. We kept arguing then I said I was done and that she should just go talk to her real friends. All she said was, "will do". That was on the weekend and we haven't talked since. Oh well. I guess I should have seen it coming. It might be my fault for getting jelous, but she was one of my only three friends. So I'm sorry if I envy the fact she actually has options.

Anyways, on to other stuff, I now have to pay rent to live in my house, my neighbor might leave, I've been missing my ex and the other girl who hates my guts, I got accepted to every college/university in my state, and I'm starting school again. That is about everything major, and that about catches you up, Diary.

That's enough for today. I'm tired and emotionally drained... I'll talk to you... Before three months.

Sincerely,

Me.