Dear Diary: Stay Away

Entry 3: 06/11/16

Dear Diary,

Even my dreams have been invaded by her. I can't remember what they were about, but I can still clearly see her face and hear her voice.

It's pure mockery.

Having her be right there, yet knowing she's not really. I kept waking up throughout the night because I dreamt of her. I woke up from my bittersweet dream to a sweet-acting nightmare. Mr. stalker was the person I woke up to. How did he start my day? He told me I was his and that he'd always be mine for life.

If it were under different circumstances, that would be the most endearing line ever, but because of how things were, it was like he handcuffed me to him for life. He asked me out, again. I tried giving him made up reasons on why I couldn't say yes, and he managed to find solutions to each and every one of them. He's persistent. That's for sure. If I had actually wanted to be with him and only had realist doubts then I would have said yes with no hesitation.

But I don't want to be with him.

At this point I'm tempted to just say yes and get this prolonging to end. It's not like it matters anymore. At least if I say yes someone will be happy to have me under their control. I don't want to give in, but I have nothing cheering me on to stay away. I couldn't think about it too much in the morning so I told him I was busy and hadn't talked to him, since.

That doesn't mean he hasn't tried contacting me.

He sent me messages throughout the day on social media and on my phone messaging. He gave me the nickname Babe and has sent me stiff like "Hey babe, I miss you" all day. If it were anyone else my heart would be swooning by hoe much they care. Coming from my stalker, it just seems plain creepy.

He gives me no time to myself. I can't go an hour without him slipping a message to me.

The only distraction I've had from his constant texts was the drive to my relatives.

I'm staying the night and I can't dislike it any more. They're nice, and they're family so I do like spending time with them, but I don't fit in with them. Half the time, I don't understand them and they mock me for it. The other times, I'm just completely ignored for family or friends who are more important. I get used to being alone when I visit, but it doesn't help my ever growing depression. My anti-depressant pills aren't working, anymore. I don't have any form of care to help buffer the blow to my low self esteem. I just watch as it brings me lower and lower to the pit of darkness.

I don't want to go back in. It took so long to get this far out...

I have to do something for my family, Diary. I will come back and finish my rant of the day later.

•~~~•~~~•~•~~~•~~~•

Back, and boy did quite a bit happen in those few hours.

Stalker kept texting me so I decided to finally just reply.

Big mistake.

He told me he missed me so much and then made me go on a roleplayed date with him. He made me food and then we danced. Again, it sounds sweet, but given the circumstances it was creepy. He made sure that he constantly kept touching me and he "kissed" me a few times. After we dance I just needed an excuse to hightail it out of there.

I am visiting family so I used them as my excuse. I told him I was busy and that I wouldn't be back all night. He believed me and let me go.

He's a sweet guy, any girl would be lucky to have someone as loyal as him. The only reason I don't like him is because he's basically blackmailing me with his life to like him. That's manipulative and I hate it.

So does my only friend. She wants me to find a way to leave him. She wants me to block him, but it's not that easy. He's on all my social media and he has my phone number. I don't know how to block people on a majority of that. Even if I found a way, he would freak out when I didn't reply. He already does when I take more than five minutes to text back. He would kik me for an hour, text me on my phone for two, and then call me for the rest if I didn't reply (I know from experience). With how overbearing he is I wouldn't be surprised if he found out my address and sent the police to check on me. The other problem is that he's told me I'm the only one who keeps him calm and happy. He said if I weren't around he'd hurt a lot more people than usual and he'd probably kill himself. It may be talk, but I can't risk anyone getting hurt, especially anyone innocent. I couldn't live with that guilt. That's why I stay, but I'm tired of staying. I think I might try something for myself, for once.

It's kind of how my ex broke up with me. She said that her mom didn't want us to talk anymore, and because I loved her I understood and have been leaving her alone. What I'm thinking is to say my parents found our messages and don't want Mr to have any contact with each other anymore. I might say that they will be monitoring my phone and social media to make sure we stay like that, so there's no way we can talk anymore.
With that, he won't think I'm leaving him purposely so he won't get as heartbroken, and he would leave me alone without problems. I would tell him to take care of himself and that I want him to be happy.

That's the best plan I could think of that's the safest and nicest on him. As I said, he's a generally nice guy. I may be a bitch for lying to him, but I don't want to keep people's lives over my head... I already feel bad enough because of her and because of my ex.

I'm going to sleep on that idea, and if I can't think of anything better, I'll try it tomorrow. Hopefully, whatever I plan works and I can have one less problem to worry about. I'm tired Diary, but I have to sleep at the cousin who hate me's house. She's at a party so it will be a while...

I don't know how long I'll actually be able to sleep, tonight. I just hope I can make it without thinking of her. I need all my attention on Mr. Stalker.

That's it for the day Diary.

Rant over.

Sincerely,
   Me