Entry 9: 06/29/2017

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by Solo_Note

by Solo_Note

Dear Diary,

I am getting better at this. I only had a gap of 1 month this time. What happened in that time? I graduated, I found a new friend/crush, I told my parents a lot about myself, I turned 18, and I had a dream. The last one happened last night. It was more of a memory, but remembering it has brought back some dark memories that have haunted me for longer than they should have.

I know I am going to sound crazy once I write this, but it's actually making me insane holding it in. In my dream, I was back to being maybe what, 12 years old? I was at my family's house. Now, I have never been close to this family, and I always have felt awkward when I joined them, but this incident downright terrified me of them. I was at my aunt's house, and she had three daughters at the time: one who is like a year younger than me, one who is like a year older than my little sister, and one who is in the middle of the other two.

Anyways the one who is closer to my age used to hang out a lot. One day we were outside, and there was like this little hay bale pile a few feet from the house where everyone else was. She pulled me behind it so that the parents couldn't see where we were. We were crouching down and she suddenly starts looking at my chest and saying she wants to see how it looks like without my shirt. In the dream she had pushed me to the ground and pulled my shirt off, in real life she just reached forward and pulled it down. When I ask her what she was doing, she says, "What? We always do this type of stuff."

The dream skips forward to that night. We were in her room: doors locked and lights off. I had to sleep in her bed with her because that's how our sleeping arrangements were. She was getting kind of close to me, but my young self just ignored it. At some point she just pulls down my shirt and massages my chest. I felt very weird and wrong. She was my cousin and she was just feeling me up. I asked her what she was doing, and she told me she was massaging my chest so that it would get bigger. She convinced me that she did that all the time with others and they didn't care. I just let her continue.

I wanted her to stop. I didn't like it. She pulled away and I thought it was over.

I was wrong.

She pulled my bra down as well and started sucking on my chest while still massaging it. In the dream she pinned me down; in real life, my shock didn't allow me to move. When I finally was able to get to my senses, I tried getting her off me. She was bigger than me, even if i was older than her. Not only that, she put a weight on my chest by saying she would tell my parents what would happen, and i would get in trouble for using my younger cousin. She also said she would tell the rest of our family and she would make them hate me for it. I was scared. As a young kid, family meant everything to me. I thought they wouldn't believe me if I told them that my younger cousin hurt me. I let her keep doing that to me that night. When she was done, she wanted me to return the favor. I lied and said I was tired, that I just wanted to go to be. She said okay and turned around so that she could get a restful sleep.

I stayed up and cried. I made sure she didn't hear me. I didn't want to know what she would so if she saw me still awake.

That night scared me so badly. The next day, she acted as if nothing happened, the next time we visited that side of our family, I distanced myself. I was scared she might touch me again. I didn't want her to touch me again. It took like maybe 5 trips (all of which had time of 1 - 5 months in between) to even start forgetting what she did. She hasn't touched me since, but that doesn't mean my fear has gone away. I stopped looking over my shoulder, but I still can't get close to her.

I have never told anyone that story, Diary. I never want to. They will say it's my fault, or they wil say it's not a problem because she's my younger cousin who just didn't know any better. I don't feel like it's okay, but I've seen many bad things been seen as okay just because it was done by a certain type of person. That doesn't make sense to me, but its society's rules.

Society says if your parents hit and yell at you, its parenting and punishment for bad behavior. Anyone else, it's abuse. If your friends insult you, it's the truth or it's a joke. If someone else were to, it's harassment and rude. If family(especially younger people) touch you where it's inappropriate, it's normal and an okay action. If a stranger does it, they are sexually violating you. If a higher up breaks a rule, it's because it's necessary. Anyone else, it's a sign of disrespect and deserves punishment. Why do these bad things have exceptions? It's bad. There shouldn't be an "unless" afterwards. It's always wrong, even when others won't admit it...

I have to go. I don't want to keep thinking about this... thanks Diary. I know I can trust you.

Sincerely,