It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

It Drenched My Fears

It's not a big thing or even a thing at all, he decides. He's just not as hungry or fit as he used to be and maybe those two things are linked because he doesn't feel very hungry when he catches a glimpse of his too big stomach or thighs in the mirror. Infact he does feel a little bit like vomiting whenever he passes a mirror and that doesn't sound very sane, he understands that but-

But it's not like it's a thing, he's just not having any snacks and he doesn't eat any breakfast most days and if he can he skips lunch but he eats dinner everyday, even if his portions these days are like half of what they used to be (and maybe he skips dinner too some days but it's not all that often...). He's just not very hungry and yes, he understands that this does in fact sound like it is a thing and not just nothing. But it isn't a thing. He isn't throwing up what he's been eating (except from that one time when the lads had a night in and decided on pizza, how do they think someone like him could eat pizza) and he's not exercising like a madman, although Liam likes to believe he is. But what does Liam know, really, Liam was the one who took those pills to build muscles faster even if he knew they were illegal and would cause damage. That's probably why he's down Louis' neck everytime he tries to go up a level on the treadmill, because he's jealous that Louis can run more and faster than Liam could and can, pills or no pills. Louis has never loved to exercise or like he's never liked to go to the gym. He's always loved football and P.E in school but doing pushups and running always seemed meaningless to him because it wasn't like a sport sport and that's probably why he has those gross thighs and stomach now. He wishes he had liked going to the gym more when he was younger so he could have had some kind of advantage now (not that he would have had the money to actually go to the gym before the band was formed but like he could have done push ups in his room or something). So that's why he's exercising so much now, he has a lot to catch up on.

And like, yes, he does feel dizzy as hell after he has finished his exercises but he also feels light, like he could fly if the wind got a hold of him. Like he could just drift away and be free.

That's his goal with this thing (it might be a thing but it's not a thing, there's a difference), it's to be so light that he'll just drift away. He's not sure which number his scale needs to show before he'll feel like he has reached that goal but he fears it's a number he'll never reach. And he knows it's unreasonable to actually think he'll ever reach a weight where the wind will make him fly but he can dream, okay?

Louis drops his journal down on his lap and sighs deeply, there's a note stand in front of him on the piano that's filled with a melody he cannot write words to. The melody itself is quite simple but he has been working on it for ages and he's proud of it but he has no idea what to write to it. He wants it to be something special and something that can speak his mind and he wants it to be beautiful and he just wants the fucking perfect words.

His stomach lets out a loud growl and Louis wants to hit it for being so weak, it hasn't been more than two days since he last consumed any food and his stupid stomach should know that it's not that big of a deal. Besides he has drank over two litres of water already today so it should be thankful really. He takes a deep breath before taking a sip from the water bottle he has placed on the piano and his stomach lets out yet another unpleased sound. He scoffs at his and pokes himself hard where he located the sound, it makes him stomach let out another tiny sound and Louis pinches the fat that's hanging over the waistline of his sweatpants. It's bloody disgusting.

He had hoped, months back, when he was still naïve about his weight loss, that he would see a difference in his body once he cut down on food and exercised a bit more. There is no difference though, although he has lost 22,5 pounds since he began thinking about it and if anything, he looks fatter. He feels ashamed any time he thinks about how much he used to weight and in the back of the journal he has in his lap he can read about the journey of losing those pounds.