It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

Break Down the Walls of Attitude

The silence is awkward once they sit back down in the doctor's office and Louis feels like crawling out of his own skin. He's embarrassed for sure, he hates being called out when he's lying and he also knows he's in some deep shit now that not only does Harry know about his stupid diet but also a professional doctor knows. He doesn't know what to do.

"Will you answer my questions truthfully this time, Mr Tomlinson?" the doctor asks and Louis takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and nods. He knows he can't talk his way out of this now. "Good, now tell me about your eating habits since you started losing weight."

Louis looks down at his hands and tries to remember when he actually started losing weight. He has been doing this for quite some time now and in the beginning he didn't think much of it, there wasn't really much to think about.

"In the beginning I just started cutting some things out from my diet, no sodas or sweets, no extra servings or like fast foods. I just tried to eat a little more healthy and I lost like a few pounds, not a lot, maybe three and ehm it felt good but not enough. So I didn't eat breakfast and if I could I would skip lunch and then I would eat dinner with Harry, if Harry wasn't home I wouldn't eat anything. I drank a lot of water instead and if I got hungry I'd eat some fruit or vegetables. This went on for like maybe two or three months and then I just never ate a full meal, only something small whenever I got too dizzy and I've been doing that for little less than two months now." Louis' voice is quiet when he explains this and he can hear the doctor scribble down notes while he speaks and he can tell that Harry is trying very hard not to sound like he's completely breaking down (which Louis knows he is). It's silent for a few more seconds except from the doctor's scribbling and then he looks up and nods.

"Have you ever forced yourself to throw up or used laxatives or any other ways to get the food you've consumed out of your system?"

"I've thrown up a few times, ehm before I told Harry it happened quite a lot whenever I ate but it wasn't always voluntary? I would just feel very ill and I couldn't keep the food down." Louis pauses, glances at Harry who is staring at the wall opposite to him, Louis sighs and looks back down at his hands. "I've made myself throw up everything I've eaten this week."

Harry's head snaps in his direction when Louis confesses and Louis can feel the hurt radiating from Harry's body and how he's itching to scream at him, to ask him why he would do that, how he could do that.Louis kind of wishes Harry would do just that, scream at him, be angry, hate him. Anything that can make Louis hurt as much as he knows he has hurt Harry. He wants Harry to get back at him. Louis knows he betrayed Harry, made him feel like he was getting better when in fact he was just burying himself deeper into the ground.

"And I've also been working out a lot, which I guess counts? I would spend hours every day doing exercises just to burn off calories, even if I hadn't eaten."

The doctor nods and finishes off his notes.

"Well, you've got yourself into quite the mess here. But you've already passed the first step of recovery: admitting your problem and getting help. That's way further than many other eating disorder sufferers get. Now, your condition is quite severe and it would be best for you to stay at the hospital and get an IV hooked up to you and some light food in you so you can reach a less dangerous weight. It is also to make sure you get somewhat on track with your food consumption and to give you tips about how to approach your disorder. You will get a diet plan once you leave the hospital and we will also recommend you get some therapeutic help. How does that sound?" the doctor asks, but it doesn't feel much like question, more like a statement of how it's going to be. Louis swallows hard and tries to keep the frown off his face.