It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

A generation lost in pace

Good news: Louis finally gets rid of the cast on his arm. Bad news: Harry starts filming and is barely home.

And here's what happens. On the first day Louis eats the three prepared meals Harry left in the fridge (he had apparently made some deal that made sure Louis would be able to have three freshly prepared portions of food every day Harry would be gone. Which is good because Louis knows he would never cook for himself). He takes ages to finish, like honestly ages, probably about 2 hours for each meal. And he stares blankly at the wall while he chews. Each bite making him feel more and more like failure. He texts Zayn sometime before lunch and gets an answer before dinner and now has a planned Facetime session with him in three days. And before Louis goes to bed he Facetimes Harry and they talk for an hour.

Second day Louis eats breakfast, throws up, cries, skips lunch and then forces himself to eat dinner. He also has a session with Mark where he doesn't mention his relapse, but opts to talk about how good the prepared food is. He talks with his mum, makes plans to visit her soon, Facetimes with Harry and falls asleep.

Third day, Louis skips breakfast, stays in the music room and plays the piano and writes a bit. He "misses" lunch by an hour and decides it's too late to eat it now. And by dinner time he throws out the food he hasn't eaten. He Facetimes Harry and listens to Harry talk about life as an actor and Louis mentions writing some new lyrics and then actually shares it with Harry. He doesn't mention not eating. And then, when they've hung up Louis lies in bed and stares up at the ceiling, willing his stomach to settle down. It's upset by the lack of food and Louis is upset for already feeling hunger. Before he could go at least 36 hours before his stomach would begin complaining. He doesn't sleep very well.

Fourth day, Louis doesn't eat breakfast or lunch, but takes a long relaxing bath, throws out the food and then sets the table. Harry comes home and they eat dinner and Louis feels awful for wishing Harry would leave again, just so he could starve himself in peace.

The thing is that it is so damn easy for him to fall right back into the mindset and behaviour he now has worked months on to erase. And he doesn't feel all that guilty or bad for stepping back into it. He welcomes it and thrives in it. He has missed it, he realises. He has missed the hunger pains that seem like an accomplishment he has earned by not eating. He has missed being able to measure his success in numbers ticking down on the scale. And this time, he is alone most days and able to just not eat. One problem will be his weekly weigh ins if he continuously loses weight. Mark will know something is up if he as much as loses one pound. So Louis buys a scale since his old one is hidden (or thrown?). And then before his sessions Louis chugs a lot of water and awkwardly puts some small weighs in his underwear (after checking his weight at home first so he knows how much he should compensate). And it works. He has everyone fooled and that makes everything easier.

So he continues. He does everything he has planned to do. He Facetimes Zayn and both of them cry a little and apologize and Louis doesn't tell him about his E.D, but he feels as if he at least has a part of Zayn back. He visits his mum, cries a bit with her when she tells him she doesn't have long left and promises her he will look after himself (she had been so sad when she saw what was left of him, how skinny he had become and that right there made Louis question what he was doing, but after eating a full lunch in her hospital room he remembered his reasons). He does a PR-stunt, which involves him looking upset while walking out of a medical clinic where he apparently got the news he wasn't Freddie's dad. - The reaction to that has been mostly good, not many were surprised and Louis finds himself breathing a bit easier. But, a lot of the reaction was focused on Louis' drastic weight loss and a lot of people began speculating on why he was in the hospital before. That is a bit unsettling because Louis knows it is just a matter of time before almost everyone will have it figured out. But at the same time he can't really find himself to care.