It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

The Funky Race

Life at hospital is...It's boring is what it is. Time passes slowly when all you get to do is lay in a bed and stare at the ceiling, or at the TV (which has like five channels and none of them are any fun, last night he watched some random reality show and got to know way more about a couple's sex life than he wanted to know). He doesn't get to use his phone without someone being in the room with him, since the doctors say it can he harmful for his recovery. He doesn't really agree with this, but he doesn't have much to say about it since Harry pleaded to him that he would do his best to make things go smoothly.

So he's doing his best. He doesn't look in the mirror when he uses the bathroom and he doesn't log in to twitter when he's on his phone (apparently news about him being in the hospital leaked and the fans are speculating around why he's there, something that lead to some panic induced tears on Louis' side, but they haven't been able to figure out the truth yet (which Louis is forever grateful for)), and he eats the food the nurses brings (most of it at least, he has yet to touch the bread or yoghurt) and he talks to Mark whenever they have a session. He's actually really trying to get better and from the way the doctor nods at him and from all the smiles that get sent his way, he can only guess that he is making improvements. Which is terrifying.

Making improvements means gaining weight and gaining weight means throwing away all the work and control he put into losing it. But he tries to think of his recovery as a way of regaining control. He had a long talk about control with Mark in their last session and some of the words Mark said really stuck in his head; "Everyone strives for control, but they tend to lose it in the thought of having it.". It's a sentence that kind of made Louis realise that maybe he wasn't in control, that he maybe lost it somewhere along the road and that it's his disorder that is in control and not him.

Being at the hospital also gives him a lot of time to think and write. He has been writing a lot lately ever since Harry gave him a brand new journal (after he found out what Louis had written in his last one, those numbers will always hunt him). So Louis writes. He writes sentences with no connection and he writes several pages of lyrics. He doesn't stop to reflect about what he is writing and whether he likes it or not, he just lets the thoughts stream out of his head and onto the paper. Sometimes he will let Harry read it, and sometimes Mark will read it and then they'll discuss it. He's baring himself in a way he hasn't dared to do before and it is liberating in some way. - To put all of your cards on the table and see how people react and what they'll do with them. It's also scary because he can no longer hide and lie.

Harry has, of course, continued to be amazing and supportive. He has visited Louis every day and brought him news about the boys or to update him on how his own songwriting is going. He's the only normal and constant thing for Louis at the moment and he is grateful beyond words for this. He loves Harry, like really really loves him. Sometimes he'll find himself looking at him and just smiling and shaking his head thinking about how bloody lucky he is to have found someone like him. And he feels sad, thinking about how he has ruined the past six months for them. How much distance he put between them and how much he has hurt himself and Harry. And he feels guilty when he sees Harry enter the hospital room with a prepared smile and sad eyes with dark circles underneath. He knows Harry isn't sleeping well, he knows he stays up late researching eating disorders and worrying about Louis. And Louis feels like shit for it. For making Harry worry. For making him sad.

At the moment, Harry is sitting beside him and writing something in his own journal and he's humming lowly under his breath so Louis guesses he's writing a song. The tune is soft and calm and Louis can't help but smile and admire the way his boyfriend is working. He has a slight frown on his face as if he's concentrating really hard and he writes words in the air before actually writing them down on the paper, as if trying if they really fit. Sometimes his frown will change into a smile when he feels happy with his choice of words.