It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

Don't Think Twice, Do What You Have to Do

The days pass slowly after that and nothing really improves, except from that Louis loses almost ten pounds in three weeks. That's the only thing in his life that is moving rapidly and Louis is so happy about it.

Yesterday he spent over an hour just looking at himself in the mirror, running his fingers over the ribs that seem to be sticking out a bit more but still not enough. He fears that it will never be enough. And Harry has noticed, he frowned one day when they were cuddling and he had his arm around Louis middle as if he was wondering where Louis had gone. He hadn't made a comment about it though and Louis doesn't know whether he should be thankful or not.

Because he knows is the thing, he is aware that what he is doing to himself isn't healthy and that he might be fucking up his body for good by doing this but it feels so good. It feels good to have the hunger pains clawing his insides and to have his vision clouded over whenever he stands up too fast (it happens almost all the time now and he has to sit back down and take deep breaths while counting to ten before he can manage to get up again.) but it's so much fun. Maybe fun isn't the right word because what it really is, is scary but he's not afraid because he choose this and he doesn't have to worry about not being small enough for his jeans (he's too small for all of them now and he can't even think about wearing Harry's because he would drown in them). But he is finally small and it's wonderful.

So fucking wonderful.

But it won't last, he knows it won't. He knows that eventually he'll have to eat more than celery to get through the day and that he'll need to eat if he wants to live. But when he really thinks about it he isn't very sure about whether he wants to live or not...

It's not like he wants to die but, if that's what it takes to be skinny then he might as well just die. It doesn't really scare him, because he feels as if death is the path he has been walking further down the past six months and that he is kind of ready for it. But, he doesn't want to leave Harry or his family or the band, he just wants a break from being himself.

The song he wrote all those weeks ago became a total flop, he didn't let Harry read through it or hear it. He just let it stay in his journal where it'd never see the light of day or reach anyone's ears ever. Harry didn't understand why Louis wouldn't show it and Louis isn't too sure either why he choose to leave it like that but... He read it through in the morning and the words seemed too raw and he just couldn't stand the thought of anyone ever reading that and knowing that he, Louis Tomlinson, was the one who wrote it.

He hasn't really written anything since that day. Of course he still writes down his weight and scribbles down thoughts and the like but he doesn't write. It frustrates him to no end that he isn't writing, because he loves to write and it's the only way for him to escape reality. But he's scared that if he does write, he won't like what he has written. He's scared that the words on the page will match the way he feels or what he sees in the mirror and he just can't stand the thought of having to face that. So he doesn't write.

He exercises instead. And now he might have to agree with Liam that he is working out like a madman, because he is. He runs every morning and he does lots of push-ups and he runs some more and he pushes himself to the point of throwing up and crying but it feels so amazing. He loves the constant ache he has in his muscles and the way they burn when he's working out. And how he knows that he is working out more than he is eating and that it will result in weight loss. He loves being able to decide and to actually be able to do something about it for once.

It's a control thing, he has figured. Why he isn't eating and why he's exercising. He can choose if he wants to eat or not and he can choose if he's going to run or not. It's his choice and when he chooses not to eat or to run, he gets rewarded by the number on the scale going down. He can measure his accomplishments and no one else has to know. It's his own little getaway and something that he gets to control all by himself.