Reuniting with Harry hurts a lot more than Louis had anticipated. It only takes Harry stepping into the room before his green eyes well up with tears and he lets out a heart wrenching sob. Louis tries to give him a reassuring smile, but his lips are wobbling and his eyes are quickly filling up with tears. He hates to see his boyfriend in such a distressed mode, and to know that he is the cause of his own boyfriend's tears.
They do not speak for a long time, Harry opting to sit on the chair beside Louis and hold his hand. The sobs have subsided but both of them still let out small sniffles every once a while. Louis can feel Harry's eyes on him, even if he himself has chosen to stare at the cast of his arm. He doesn't understand why he finds it so hard to grant Harry the eye contact he so clearly is seeking. He guesses that he is feeling ashamed, because he knows he acted irresponsibly and that it could have been prevented if he just thought logically. If he had been able to ignore the burning feeling of shame and hatred and disgust he felt when he looked himself in the mirror. If he had been able to think rationally and see that he has not gained forty pounds in two weeks time.
"How are you feeling?" Harry asks after he has cleared his throat a couple of times, his voice still comes out groggy and laced with tears. Louis swallows, keeps his gaze on his arm and sighs.
"Weird. It's all still a bit foggy in my head." he admits quietly, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Harry nod.
"Yeah, you eh hit your head quite hard when you uh passed out. There uh was a lot of eh blood." Harry mumbles and takes a deep breath, as if to calm himself.
"Oh, really? Mark didn't mention that..." Louis says, trying to act nonchalant, but he is painfully aware of how horrifying it must have been for Harry to see him there; lying motionless of the bathroom floor, covered in puke and blood. Louis shudders at the thought of it.
"He didn't?" Louis can sense a hint of irritation in Harry's voice now, probably because of the reception he got from Louis, but instead of fixing his mistake Louis hums and nods lightly. "Well then, did he mention that you broke your wrist? That the jack in your forehead required stitches? That the bruises on your knuckles will take ages to heal and fade, that maybe there will be scars from it? That your throat was so swollen when we found you that you could barely breathe? Did he tell you that I was there when they opened the door and had to see you lying on the cold hard tiles with blood rushing out from your head, your arm bent in an awkward angle and that you were so pale and worn out that you didn't even look like yourself? Not to even mention the smell, a mixture of the everlasting disinfectant that follows you everywhere in a hospital, and the awful sour smell of your vomit, and on top of that the overpowering metallic smell of blood? I will never be able to get that scene out of my head, Louis! I can barely even look at you without reliving that moment over and over. So don't you dare try and act like all is fine and that this didn't happen. Because it fucking did, and we need to talk about it!" Harry finishes his rant and Louis has long since closed his eyes and let the tears pour down his cheeks. He feels awful. Absolutely fucking awful.
He knows that all Harry has said is right, and he had suspected that Harry had felt something akin to it. And Louis is so so so ashamed of himself and he feels so guilty that he can't even look at Harry. He knows that he fucked up, knows that this relapse isn't a small thing, but something that he has to face and actually deal with. But, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do this, he doesn't want to be sick anymore. He doesn't want to be at the hospital and he doesn't want to continue to disappoint Harry. He kind of really just want to go to sleep, and stay asleep for a really long while.
"Hey, Lou. I'm sorry, that was a bit harsh." Harry whispers when it becomes clear that Louis won't respond, but Louis can barely hear him over the thoughts that are pushing around in his head and the sobs that he can't help but let escape from his mouth. "Babe, you need to calm down. Deep breaths..."
