It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

Let your heart decide

Another week passes and Louis doesn't do very much of anything. He eats a bit less, which has Harry sending him worried glances and having hushed phone calls which Louis suspects are with Dr Henson. He has managed to write some lyrics during the week, nothing he feels worthy to be put into a song, but enough to get it out of his head.

At the moment he is sitting inside Dr Henson's office, getting his blood pressure measured. They have yet to begin the therapy session, as usual opting to get medical check ups done before. He hasn't had to step onto the scale yet, but he knows that once his measurements are done that's where he is heading. He really doesn't want to. He is so close to crossing 110 pounds and it is making him feel sick just thinking about it.

"You ready?" Dr Henson asks once he's done and Louis sighs deeply but shrugs.

"As ready as I'll ever get." he responds before standing up and walking over to the scale, Dr Henson following closely behind.

109.8

Louis takes a deep breath, staring at the number, daring it to move up to 110, but it doesn't. He looks over to Dr Henson instead, who is scribbling down the number in his notebook before motioning for Louis to take a seat on the couch. Louis does so and watches his therapist sit down on the arm chair in front of him.

"So, Louis, how are you feeling today?" he asks.

"Okay, I eh I was scared to cross the 110 mark, but not today, apparently." he answers truthfully and his therapist nods, takes notes and clicks his pen.

"Why does passing 110 scare you?"

"It's..." Louis swallows and shakes his head. "I feel like it's a big milestone, just as 100 was, is... but I didn't have to like watch myself pass 100, since I was hospitalized at the time. But now I am gaining weight because I am choosing to eat. And like I know that 110 is still underweight, but it isn't severe, is it? It's just moderately... And uh Zayn, he uh used to weigh around 110 or 120 or whatever, and he looked good. So I mean staying at 110 or close to it doesn't sound very bad to me. I eh think I could uhm be comfortable with my body if I stayed at this weight." Louis confesses with a sigh.

"For someone your age and height 110 is still severe underweight and a health risk. Your BMI is at 16 when your lowest healthy BMI would be at 19 or 20, preferably 20. And for you to have a BMI at 20 you have to weigh at least 133 pounds, and even then you could gain another forty pounds and still be at a good weight" Dr Henson explains while jotting down notes. "Zayn is the guy who left the band last year, right?" Dr Henson asks and continues speaking once Louis has confirmed this. "You and him were good friends, yeah? Have you spoken with him lately?"

"I uh no? We haven't spoken in at least six months, why are you asking?"

"I think it would be good for you to reach out to him and try to mend your relationship. Actually, I'm gonna give you this in homework; until next time we have a session I want you to have at least sent a text message to him."

"That's...no what? Why is that important?" Louis asks and shakes his head. He is not reaching out to Zayn. Not when Zayn was the one who choose to leave and side with his new friend when he could have sided with Louis. He had made it very clear that he did not want nor need Louis in his life.

"It is important because he was a huge part of your life and you seem to have a slightly idealized view of him, since you mention his body being one you wouldn't mind having. Reconnecting with him may help you get over that and also... don't you wish you could have your friend back?"

Of course Louis wishes he could have his friend back. He misses Zayn like crazy and has for the last few months tried to push him into the back of his mind, and it has worked. Mostly. There have been times when he'll see something cool on his instagram feed and he will screenshot it and be seconds away from sending it to Zayn before he remembers. And there are times when he wishes he could talk to him, let him in on what's going on inside his head and have him help him sort it out. They used to be good like that, Zayn and him. They could talk about serious stuff, the things that mattered, the thoughts that now have driven Louis so far inside his head that he can't see clearly. Maybe Zayn was his sanity.