It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane - Larry

In This World All Covered Up in Shame

He cries when he drops below ninety pounds. He cries his eyes out and his lungs are aching and he knows he is sobbing loudly. He feels awful. Really fucking awful. Dropping below a ninety pounds was never supposed to happen, much less to weigh 87 pounds. It was not what he wanted when he started doing this.

To weigh less than ninety is fucking sick. Normal people don't do that. Fit people don't do that. Not even naturally skinny people do that. He weighs less than most of his sisters and it's scaring him. It's scaring him enough to make him cry like a baby and make him wish that he never fucking stopped eating. People in control don't let themselves drop below ninety.

He doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if he should tell Harry or not, he doesn't even know how to breathe. He's choking on his own sobs and he feels so tired and everything hurts and he doesn't know how to make it stop. How he let it go this far.

Someone is frantically knocking on the bathroom door and Louis knows it's Harry, knows that Harry can hear him crying. But he's too fucking tired and scared to open the goddamned door and let his boyfriend help him. He doesn't know how to let him help him. How does he even explain what's wrong. How can he tell his boyfriend that he weighs less than a kid does, that his BMI is at 12,9? And that he is now classified as severe underweight? How does one tell someone else that? He can barely let himself accept it so why and how would anyone else?

He does open the door eventually and falls into Harry's open arms and continues to cry his eyes out. He can feel Harry crying as well and it makes him hate himself a little bit more. Because he made his boyfriend cry and worry. The person he is supposed to care for and give his all is now crying because of him. He's such a fucking disappointment. But... Harry is whispering things to him, telling him that it's alright, that he can take his time, to let it all out. Louis merely nods against Harry's chest and tries to calm down a little.

Somehow they move from the bathroom to their bedroom and Harry helps him sit down on the bed. They face each other and Louis has to bite his lip to stop himself from starting to sob again.

Harry's eyes are calm, although they are rimmed red and he has tearstained cheeks, he looks concerned but calm and Louis loves him so much. Loves that he knows that Louis needs one of them to keep their cool and to not freak out. They breathe together for a while, Harry sensing that Louis still isn't calm enough to talk and Louis trying to buy some more time so he can figure out how to explain this.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?" Harry is the one to break the silence and Louis sniffs a little but nods. He is going to tell Harry, because Harry deserves to know and Louis too scared to keep doing this on his own. He has been hiding this far too long and there is no escape now. He has to tell him. Louis looks down and plays with the sweater paws of his shirt, maybe it's Harry's, probably.

"I.. well..I...eh..it's.." Louis sighs. "I don't really know how to tell you or what to even say. God, I didn't think this would be so hard. I'm so sorry Haz, so so fucking sorry. I've messed up big time." Louis says, his voice shaking more than he thought was possible and a few tears make their way down his cheeks but he can't find it in himself to care about that now. He doesn't care about how weak he is being and how pathetic he must look, because it is all true. In this moment he is weak and pathetic, but Harry is still with him. Harry dries the tears on his cheeks and touches him so gently.

"What have you done, babe? We can work it out, I promise you, just tell me what's going on." Harry pleads and Louis shakes his head, making Harry drop his hand from his cheek. His cheek instantly feels colder and he feels so much further away from Harry. It's crazy how they can sit just a few inches from each other and Louis still feels so alone and out of reach.

"I don't know if we can work this out Haz, I've fucked up so bad and I'm so scared Harry." he whispers and Harry takes his hands in his own, flinching a bit at how cold Louis hands are and Louis manages a small smile because he knows. He knows his hands are freezing and are quite unpleasant to touch, he knows that he made them that way. He takes a shaky breath to calm himself before speaking again. "I know that you've been worried about me lately and that I've just brushed you off and acted really weird... I have a reason for that, a fucking stupid one and you have every right to be worried, I'm worried about me too right now." the words rush out off his mouth without him having a chance to control them and Harry is looking at him with concerned but calm eyes and Louis takes a deep breath. "I've been losing weight...in a really stupid and unhealthy way and...and I don't know how to stop and I'm just so scared because I haven't even noticed that it was as bad as it is and I've found so many excuses to why I've been doing this, found so many ways to justify it, but there is no justifying my weight now. It's terrifying because I thought I had control, Harry, I thought I was doing good, but now I weight less than a hundred pounds and I still can't see a difference. I'm so so sorry Harry."

Harry pulls him into a hug and Louis knows that they're both crying again. They stay like that for a while and Louis finally feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, the irony of it makes him smile sadly. Because he has been trying to get the weight off him for so long and all he had to do was speak with Harry. Harry knows now. He told him and that's all he can do for now.

"Why did you start? Was it something I did?" Harry asks eventually and Louis shrugs.

"It wasn't something you did, don't worry about that. And I don't really know why or how it started, I just couldn't stand seeing myself in the mirror anymore. God, that sounds awful and I don't know why I suddenly felt that way, but you know I've always struggled a bit with my self image... And with all of this shit with the fake baby and Zayn leaving and all of this just got too much, I guess. And my weight was something I could change, yeah? I could control that, easily lose a few pounds by restricting my eating and exercising more, so I did that. And it was fucking great. I was so happy to finally being able to make a change with something I was unhappy about. I didn't like my body so I changed it, but then I kept changing it and restricted myself more and I started disliking my body even more. And it didn't feel like a choice anymore. I didn't feel like I was in control, but I didn't want to tell anyone because you would make me stop and that would shatter the control I had built. But the control was already lost and now I'm not sure what to do anymore."

"We will work this out babe, we will talk with someone who can help you and I'll be with you on every step. It breaks my heart to know that you feel that way and I hate that I didn't push harder to get to know what was really going on. I'm so sorry I failed you."

"You didn't fail me, Haz. I'm the one who fucked up. I wish I had talked to you about it sooner." Louis whispers.

"What made you change your mind about telling me?" Harry asks quietly, as if he's afraid to know the answer.

"I... I checked my weight, as I usually do, and found out that I was at ehh... I weigh fucking 87 pounds and it freaked me out because I know it's bad to weigh under a ninety and I don't know, it just made me realize how fucked up I was."

Harry lets out a quiet gasp and pulls Louis into a hug, they both start crying again and Louis lets himself be held. He ignores the irony of how much lighter he feels now that Harry knows. It feels good to have someone to share his burden with and to have someone who on some kind of level understands what he is going through. It feels like it's easier to breathe and to just be alive.

Louis knows this won't be easy, he knows that he still doesn't want to put any kind of food inside of him and that he, although he doesn't want to weigh this little, doesn't want to gain weight. He doesn't want to lose the control he imagines himself having. But he is going to have to. If he wants to stay alive he has to give the illusion of reaching perfection go. And he feels as if somehow it will all work out fine.

He really hopes it will.