The following day I dropped Ethan off at Hayden and Max's place so that we could have some time to talk about things. When we woke up Tara said hardly two words to me, it was like she didn't trust herself to speak to me in front of our son. Ethan hugged me so tight when I dropped him off and he didn't want to go.
"Please don't go Mummy Simmy," he begged.
"I need you to be brave for me, Little Captain, and I'll pick you up tomorrow morning, okay?" I crouched down to talk to him.
"Okay," he nodded.
"Good boy, now why don't you go inside and find Uncle Max," I ruffled his hair and he hugged me again.
"So, you're back," Hayden commented as Ethan ran inside, looking for Max. I just nodded. "What's going on, Simmy? Are you and Tara back together?" He asked.
"I don't know," I shrugged my shoulders.
"You better not break her heart again," Hayden commented.
"Please Hayden, not today," I said quietly as a few tears rolled down my cheeks. I looked at him for a few moments, then turned and walked away.
"Simmy?" Hayden called after me, sounding concerned.
"Keep my son safe, Hayden," I turned back to say before walking to my car.
***
"How did we get this way?" I asked Tara as we sat in the living room on opposite sides of the sofa. We'd been sitting in silence for almost half an hour and I was feeling rather uncomfortable.
"Why don't you tell me?" Tara asked.
"I fucked up," I said looking at the ground, feeling ashamed.
"We were separated," Tara replied.
"I wasn't talking about that, but yeah I fucked that up too," I corrected her.
"Are we really back on that? You can't keep blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault," Tara said.
"Why don't you try telling me that like you actually mean it?" I asked, still looking at the ground. Tara didn't say anything, but her silence was enough for me. "You're not the only one, you know? I feel like everyone blames me, my family, your family, our friends... When I dropped Ethan off at Hayden and Max's, do you know what Hayden said to me? He told me not to break your heart again," I let my emotions surface. "They all look at you and see Saint Tara, victim of cancer, grieving mother, and then there's me, I'm the monster who made you have the operation," I concluded, tears running down my cheeks, but still I refused to look at Tara.
"I do not blame you," Tara said in a firm voice, trying to convince me.
"You know, even if you hadn't of kept hounding me about leaving, I would have left of my own accord anyway, I mean I could have handled everyone else blaming me if you were on my side, but I just couldn't take the hate I saw in your eyes every time you looked at me," I ignored her statement.
"The day that you left I was in shock, I didn't really think you would do it, there wasn't one second that whole day that my eyes weren't full with tears, you're Aunty had to come over and take Ethan for me, I just couldn't have him around to see me like that, I was so distraught," Tara let her feelings be known.
"It wasn't exactly easy for me to go, it was just harder to stay," I confessed.
"I'm sorry I made things so hard for you to stay," Tara said quietly. I looked up and saw that her eyes were wet with tears just like mine. Tara shuffled over to me when she saw that I was crying and gave me a hug.
