Not Enough (Phan AU)

seeing clear would a bad idea

Dan

I gulped. My eyes darted frantically around the room. Oh god why. I looked over to Chris who looked up at me. He looked confused. Goddamnit Chris.  I focused on Phil who was staring at me. "You're... the guy from yesterday." He spoke slowly. Shit. "I never did catch your name."
  "Dan." I squeaked. I couldn't breathe... No, I was just holding my breath. I was lightheaded when I finally breathed out. "My name is Dan."

Chris gasped and our attention was drawn to him. I shot him a glare, to which he responded with a smirk. Phil laughed and brushed off Chris' reaction. "I was just on my way out, things to sketch in the places to be." He spoke coolly. He had a sketchbook tucked under one arm and pencil case in one hand.
  "Don't be too long, Paintbrush." PJ joked.
  "Back at you, Spacekid," Phil shouted as he closed the door behind him.

PJ waited until he was gone until he turned to us. "So down to business. Chris' already told me what was going on." I looked over to Chris.
  "When we were walking, you had your head down and you were practising so I briefed PJ over text message." Chris shook his phone in my face.
  "Yes so spill." PJ was acting like a 14-year-old girl who was playing matchmaker with her friends. I found it hard to find the words. 

"Oh come on Dan. He was all you could talk about this morning." Chris whined. I took a deep breath,
  "Okay, honestly I did not expect what happened literally 5 minutes ago to happen. So last night I came out of the dance studio and I had my head down, suddenly I'm on the floor surrounded by art supplies. When I look up, all I can focus on are these two electrifying blue eyes." I sigh.

Both Chris and PJ nod slowly. "And I now realise that that guy... was Phil."  
  PJ's face grew into a smile but it faded again as he remembered something. "Dan. I need to show you something." PJ walked over to the dorm window and pointed. I stood up and walked over. It was like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. There stood Phil with another boy. This other boy had his arm around Phil's waist and his lips pressed against Phil's cheek.

My knees trembled a little. "That is Charlie Skies," PJ said. He looked to me, "Are you okay?"
  I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm going to go and practise. I'm not distracted anymore. You guys enjoy your date." Only the last sentence came out as a whisper because the tears were choking me.
  "Dan!" Chris called but I was already gone.

***

I didn't practise. I couldn't think straight. I felt like screaming. I'd known him for less than 24 hours and yet knowing that he could never be mine made it like there was a black hole where my senses were. I didn't stop running until I was back in the dorm. I slammed the door shut and threw myself onto my bed and cried into my pillow.

The sobs eventually died down into soft hiccups. My breathing was still shaky but I still pushed myself to move. Here we go again. I knew without thinking that I was stood in front of the mirror. 
Look at yourself. Your eyes are red and puffy from crying because you're weak. Look at the way your collarbones protrude through your shirt. Boys aren't supposed to have love handles. Your thighs stick out weirdly and your stomach is too pudgy. You have abnormally large hands and you can't even walk in a straight line. Face it, you'll never be a real dancer. Phil could never love you.

I nodded. "I know," I whispered. Three weeks until the show. Three weeks without eating. Simple.
  I crawled back into bed - not even bothering to change clothes - and stayed there until my next lecture.

***

The day ended. Nothing that happened affected anyone else but me; the world kept turning. And it would keep turning whether I was a part of it or not. I attended lectures, I practised and I didn't eat. Things went on as normal like the past 24 hours didn't happen. The difference was that I felt a little bit more broken. Phil could never love you. Phil could never love you. Phil could never love you. Phil could ne-

My train of thought was cut off by the door unlocking and the sound of two giggling voices shushing each other. "Shut up Chris, you're going to wake Dan up!" PJ giggled. I pulled my head out from under the blanket and immediately regretted it. Chris bit his lip and moved closer to PJ.
  "Oh god guys get a room!" I moaned. They looked at me.
  "That's exactly what we're doing. Besides, we can't use PJ's room because Phil and Charl-" Chris was cut off by PJ hitting him. "I mean, what? Who's Phil, I don't know a Phil."

I nodded and swung my legs out of bed. "Where are you going? It's almost midnight!" PJ questioned.
  "You guy have the room tonight, I'll find somewhere to crash tonight." They didn't take it any further as I walked out the door. I called the only person I knew I could trust.

"Dan! Why are you calling it's so late!"
  "Hi, Louise," I smiled. I then spent the next couple minutes explaining everything that had happened. She sounded sympathetic,
  "Of course, you can come and stay here tonight! It's just Carrie and me tonight, Zoe's out at a party with Hazel, Dodie and Sophie."

Within minutes, I was over at their sorority house. It was a medium sized cottage just outside of campus. The cold autumn night made me wish I'd bought more than the same grey cardigan I always wore. My friend circle was small but I loved everyone who was a part of it. My closest friends were probably Chris, Louise and Carrie; maybe because it felt like I'd known them forever.

I was about 10 ft away from the door when Louise swung it open full force and scared the shit out of me. "Dan!" She said, at this point, she was in full mum mode. "Come in, it's freezing. Why are you wearing so little!" I smiled and hugged her.
  She pulled back and looked me up and down; I knew what was coming. She kept her voice low, "You have been eating, haven't you?"

All I could manage was a sheepish smile and a shrug. She sighed, grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the living room. Louise pointed to the sofa, "Sit." She demanded. Louise walked into the kitchen just as Carrie comes bounding down the stairs in her Stitch onesie. Carrie struck a match and tossed it into the fireplace, setting the pile of wood aflame and illuminating the room.

Carrie came and sat next to me, her head resting on my shoulder. I gave her a single laugh and a warm smile, "Hello, Carrie."
  She just wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. We never had to say anything when nights like this happened. My face was nestled into the crook of her neck and against her hair. I felt the tears brimming in my eyes so I took a long and unstable breath.

"Dan?" Louise was back. Carrie let go of me and I wiped my eyes. In her outstretched hands, she held a mug of tea in one and a plate with a sandwich in the other. I shook my head and stared at the floor. "Dan. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Eat the damn sandwich." So I took it only because Louise scared me sometimes. I'd never seen her at her angriest but I knew she had the potential.

Every bite was just as sickening as the last. I shuddered hard when it was over. Louise sat the other side of me. After a few minutes, I broke the silence, "I love you guys." I said.
  This earned me hugs from both of them. Carrie went to the boiler cupboard and retrieved a spare pillow and blankets for me. They asked if there was anything else I needed about a thousand times before retreating upstairs and leaving me alone.

I barely slept that night. The other four came home - completely sober - around 2 hours I got there. They were barely even in the door before Louise was there to tell them I was here. They thought I was sleeping but I could hear every word. "Where's Carrie?" Dodie whispered. 
  I could hear the smile in Louise' voice, "She wanted to stay up until you came home but she had a really rough time in music with that new teacher. She just fell asleep in your bed."

Another half an hour of shuffling before it was deafeningly quiet. The girls weren't the reason I couldn't fall asleep - if anything they were the reason I could sleep at all. It was because every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was those blue ones staring back at me.