Forever & Always

Chapter 34

Sleep is such a temporary sweet release, like I said before. But as always, I woke up the next morning, curled up next to Shane in his bed, realizing once again that my father was gone. I didn't dream that it happened, that I was now awake and that all was well. No, he was really and truly gone. 

I had told Shane everything last night about what I knew. He held me all night, while I cried like crazy, wanting a cathartic resolution to the whole thing, but knowing that wasn't going to happen. Shane did what he could to make it better. He told me that we were fine, that nothing was going to separate us ever again. He understood why I had done what I had done and after seeing how mortal we all are in this situation, the last thing he would want would for us to go out being mad at each other. 

I held onto him tightly as I drifted off to sleep. There was no one else I would have rather been with at that moment than him. Everything we ever fought over became petty and irrelevant. I didn't want to let go. I wouldn't let go. 

****

After a week and a half of planning, we held a funeral in Florida for my father, though he would be moved up to Pennsylvania to be buried, which were his wishes. I had promised her that I would say something and I made the decision that I would sing something as well. I wanted to do something special for my father because I would forever hate the fact that he passed thinking I hated him. 

When it came time for me to go up and say my piece at the service, I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. I walked up to the podium and looked out at the gathering of faces that were mixed between people I knew, people I didn't, and people I hadn't seen in entirely too long. The church the service was being held in was one I had never been to before, so I was slightly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, this wasn't about me. 

"My father was a complicated man," I started, addressing the entire room. "He was not perfect, by any means, but are any of us? He had his flaws, some bigger than others. But he was a good man and a great father." 

I looked at Chris who gave me a nod. "He would put me on his shoulders and carry me around, letting me think I was a giant, that I could take over the world effortlessly. He would take Chris and I out for ice cream during the summer, and every time put a little fingerful of it on the tips of our noses, just to make us laugh." 

I sniffed, feeling fresh tears on their way. "He would be the first person I would run to when I fell and scraped my knee on the pavement outside and couldn't seem to stop crying. He was the one person that could make me smile, even when I tried so hard to frown. He taught me to be tough and to look out for myself, because no one else would. He taught me how to love and think about things before I said them, which I probably should have paid more attention to, which you know to be true, if you know me at all." This drew some laughs from the congregation. 

"My father taught me what not to be, too," I said, wiping my eyes. "He taught me to never take anything for granted." I looked over at my mother, who knew what I was talking about in that simple moment of eye contact. I shifted my eyes to Shane, who knew that there was never going to be a moment where I didn't love him to pieces. 

"He taught me that I shouldn't deny when I'm wrong, that I should accept when I don't have the answers," I continued. "And finally, he taught me that you have to love somebody because of their flaws. No one is perfect, and you'd hate a perfect person. What makes the person you love so unique, was their flaws. And it's true love when you can love everything about them, even their flaws." 

I took a deep breath, scanning the faces in the room. "I loved my father, and event thought our relationship wasn't on the best of terms towards the end of his life, I still loved him. Nothing he did would ever change that."