I wake up in the middle of the night and when I check my phone the time is 04:16. I don't see myself going back to sleep so I decide to go downstairs to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee, since coffee makes me crash.
I laugh at myself at how different I am, others can't sleep after a cup of coffee while I crash almost immediately after one.
"Mmh, I guess you were meant to stand out huh?" I say into the darkness of the hallway.
When I get to the top stair I notice that the kitchen light is on and I hear muffled words coming from it.
"Couldn't sleep either?" I say to my mom as I reach the entrance of the kitchen. She has her back turned to me and it seems as if she's frantically trying to do something to her face before I see .. Whatever it is.
My heart begins beating faster at the realization that she's crying, what do I do in a situation like this?
All my life I've been hiding my emotions and never have I seen someone crying in front of me. Never mind the someone, how about my own mother.
I don't know how to feel or react.
Empathy, sympathy, pity, fear or maybe even nothing?
I stand rooted on the floor and my words abandon me.
The kitchen suddenly feels smaller and smaller and I feel overwhelmed.
I cannot explain what is going through my mind or body either.
"Mom?" .. No reply
"Mom, are you fine"?
"Yes I'm okay hun"
Why do people do that? You can clearly see that they are in pain but they still tell you they're alright.
It seems to me that I cannot answer that question because no one has ever asked me if I was fine. Yet?
Stifles coming from my mom's direction snap me back into the intense moment.
"I was told that there is no such thing as falling out of love with someone when I got married." This statement shakes my boat a little as my mom continues,
"Till death .. Am I dead Ivy? Is this what it feels like to die?"
The room begins spinning around me or am I spinning around the room. I can't quite tell.
"Why? What's going on ma', why are you crying?" That's when she turns around and I can see her tears, they've drenched her normally lit up face. Her eyes are hollow and almost lost inside her swollen eye lids. She is shaking like a lost, confused child.
"I've asked his mom what to do and all she said to me was that I should follow my heart but which piece do I follow when my heart has been shattered into millions of pieces!! Which piece Ivy? Which!?" "And well his dad seems convinced that our marriage wasn't going to work either way. I could tell he didn't like me from the second he heard that I was two years older than his son"
I look straight into her eyes and I can see all her love for my dad, all the love that isn't mutual between them any longer. Realization that he broke her washes over me like a wave. Questions form deep within me and not even one of them makes its way down my tongue.
With a rush of wind she runs past me and out the kitchen, up the stairs.
Back in bed my mind is reeling with the events that just took place. What a way to increase my insomnia.
I lie staring at the ceiling until 05:30 just thinking of my mom, dad and my lack of assistance. I didn't plan on not saying or doing anything about what unfolded before my eyes, I became completely immobilized..
I decide to take a shower and try to come to a decision about whether or not I should go to school.
What are the pro's and con's?
If I go to school, people will be on my case about why I came to school - actually about why I exist at all.
If I don't go to school however, people will be going on about how I'm "running away from my problems."
Am I the only person who's life is this complicated, surely they don't suffer this much.
I take a shower and I made the water a bit hotter than usual, it just feels right. Maybe my subconscious is try to heat my cold heart up.
I watch as the water drops slide down my belly before joining with other drops to make bigger drops.
Is that how I should be? Am I supposed to find others who are like me and make bigger drops?
Now that's a thought
**A/N**
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Does My existance matter
Novela Juvenil"What exists after Death?", I asked myself, the smell of death had become more and more apparent with each day that had come and gone within one breath. "Whatever it is, it can't be worse than living" I answered myself. I knew however that I had ans...
