Rising sun.

Is this the end?

Dean'sP.O.V

Why did I have to go and write that letter. That letter with the falsities and sadness and loneliness that had encompassed me that rainy afternoon. Now here I am pacing our room, my shoulders stiff,Castiel locked in the bathroom not even giving me a chance to explain or apologize, because he's apparently heard it all.

And I can hear him, pacing in the small room and I can't stop thinking he's not going to marry me now, I need him to. I need him to need me.

It's all coming back. Everything, the throbbing sadness in my chest that's became a constant chronic painfully physical thing that freezes my bones and I'm letting it ruin Castiel. I'm ruining him and I'm ruining us.

I feel my breathing get heavier because there's nothing I can do to fix it, nothing I can do to  make him see how truly I love him.

ButI need to show him that I won't live without him. I can't do it without him, because without him I'm nothing, truly and fully nothing. "Cas, Please come out." I whisper, sitting against the door and I can hear him sigh loudly, a soft thump sounding from the other side.

"I'm sorry," I add softly, he starts crying, I can hear him and it kills me. "Cas please?" even my voice felt strained. "Dean, I can't do it." just like that my life was over. What was remaining of my happiness was torn to shreds, it was all my fault and now I have nothing.

I can't even force myself to say anything, not even a sorry. I couldn't get a word through the lump in my throat. Because it's lighter,everything seemed lighter, but I couldn't move a muscle. I couldn't move a muscle and Cas' whimpering was getting louder by the thundering heartbeat.

I turn and press my cheek against the cold wood, laying my hand on the door. "Please" and it comes out as a strangled whisper. "Castiel,let me in," I say more firmly, shaky but firm.

He bangs his head against the door, "I can't, Dean I can't." he cries and he manages to sound shrill at the same time.

It's all blowing right through me and I can't handle all this finality."No, Cas please don't do this. Whatever you're thinking it's wrong." and I slam my hand against the door, "Open the door,please, please I need to see your face."

"Please."I say again, and I hear the door unlock and I'm on my feet in seconds, but he doesn't open the door, so I'm stuck here breathing heavily, "Cas" and it comes out so softly I barely hear it.

I hear him sigh heavily in return before pulling the door open. I can't help rushing forward when he does, because the clear tears are running down his face and his lips are trembling, his hands are shaking and the first things I touch are what I always do. So I press my lips to his ear, to his neck and his forehead and try to stop myself from being so shaky and unstable.

But he shakes harder for the both of us, "Cas, I know that I don't seem righ-" "Why aren't I enough?" he asks shakily. I'm so shocked that I pull away, taking a step back toward the bed, "Is that what you think?"

He stays stock still in the bathroom doorway, the light creating a halo around his solemn face. "Why would you think that?"  but he just shuffles his feet, avoiding my eyes and it's driving me crazy. He hiccups when I step closer, "You don't want to stay, I can't make you stay" he cries when I get closer.

My chest squeezes painfully as I start thumbing his tears away. "You're the only reason I want to stay" I breathe as I press our foreheads together.  "You can't leave me." he says firmly although his voice was still hitching. His hands gripping my wrists.

And it's so desperate I nearly kiss him. "I'd never leave you Cas,never." I whisper, closing my eyes.

He pushes lightly against my chest, "I don't know if I can believe that anymore Dean." he says it softly but it feels like knives. I scrunch my eyes tighter because he's right, "Don't you see Cas, I did it because you're my strength and when you left and took it with you I didn't know what to do. That's my fault Cas, I'm weak and I hate that I'm letting it do this to us." I rush out again.