Rising sun.

No hope to be had.

I get home, back to my empty dorm room, with my ruined arms and the feeling that I wasn't safe in the air and I don't know what to do about the spiral of dread that's turning in my chest.

Cas and Dean made up and are running smoothly and it just made me want to leave, after everything that happened with Dorothy and then seeing Hale and then everything else, I couldn't stand being around happiness when there was no hope to be had.

Not for me, I still feel like an idiot for what I said to Dorothy, for blaming her for how fucked up I am. What a merry group we all are, and I think it, but I don't mean it, at least not for them. 

She doesn't understand, no one does and I feel like an idiot for how I hurt her and I see all her things in the corner of my room and I break down. Dropping my face briefly to my hands, the smell of blood wafting in my nostrils. Reminding me to patch up my arms properly so they don't scar.

I was just walking into the bathroom when the knocking startled me, I thought I told Garth that I wasn't playing World of Warcraft tonight. "Gart-" I stopped when I yanked it open to see Dorothy, arms on full display, hair a tangled mess, I run my fingers through it fruitlessly.

She looks sheepish, it's been two weeks since I'd seen her last and it was all still so raw, she's looking at me as if I'd lost my mind, "I'm sorry, I just came for my things," and I hadn't expected it to come to an end like this, I knew she needed space but that's all I thought it was...space.

Dorothy's eyes went wide when her eyes connected to the long scratches on my arms. She reaches for my wrists, a dark look crossing her pale features, the blue she'd dyed her hair weeks ago making her eyes pop. "Charlie, there's still time-" I interupt her, snatching my wrists from her grasp, "I already said no, I can't do that; I'll get a box." she follows me inside, although she stays close to an exit, her eyes following me.

"You're being stubborn, why do you refuse to accept that you need help," I purse my lips, the sensation of crawling tingling up my arms, I refuse to scrape them in front of her, I will not give her fuel for her fire. 

I know I was feeling bad and I still do, but as she says I'm stubborn. "You don't know what you're talking about," I mumble, scooping her shirts and socks into the U-haul box, she huffed stomping her foot in the cute way she does when she's frustrated with me. 

"Charlie, your arms, your mirrors are covered, your only coherent half the time. Please, Charlie, I'm scared for you," and she'd made her way across to me, tugging on my arms to make a point, her eyes were bright with desperation but love.

I felt the prick of tears when the tug on the wounds stung my arms, she was wrong, I couldn't do it, I can't take it with Castiel and Dean depending on me to be there. I pull on my arms softly looking at her stylish open-toed shoes. "Don't leave me," it's soft and a last ditch effort to make her stay.

The insects were frantic now, creeping under my skin, making contact with Dorothy's fingers and I could feel my eyes widen with fear, she's so pure I didn't want them touching her if she saw them move they'd get her too. "Let go, Dorothy," I plead, she looks up at me and despite her longing to leave the concern takes over her face.

I start shaking now, so hard and fast she's shaking too. "Charlie?" she asks softly, her grip only getting tighter. "Get off! GET OFF!" I'm screaming and pulling, "They can't touch you, I won't let them touch you, please LET GO!" she's trying to pull me into the bathroom but they're racing towards her. 

I push her away, harder than I mean and she slams against the bathroom door. My anxiety fades when I see the look on her face,  I move toward her arms by my side and she scrambles away from me reaching for the box. 

The tears pour down my face and I fall to my knees, fingers scraping skin harder than before, harder than I realized and it seemed even though she was frightened before Dorothy dropped beside me and pried my fingers from my arm.

"Please, Dorothy. I-I don't know what to do," and when I look up she's so worn out and still a little frightened. Her fingers are tipped in blood from my arms as she touches my nose, squeezing softly like she always does. 

Before she gets up and moves for the door, scooping the box of her things up on the way, "Call me when you want help," I cry out a little, "Dorothy, I need you," "I needed you to Charlie, I can't do this anymore, I can't be frightened for you anymore. It's too heavy, I love you too much to watch you fade away into whatever this is, I'll be here, when you're ready. I'm sorry Charlie," and she looks resigned.

I scrunch my eyes shut tightly when I hear the door close with a soft click.