He Never Did

It's Not Enough

Several months later

"Lindsey, Lindsey, I need Lindsey, I need him."
I beg as Karen chases after me as they wheel me through the double doors, shrieking in pain every few seconds, Jacob sobbing in her arms.
"Stevie he's not picking up, I've tried thirty times."
We reach the private room and a pretty, young nurse lets me kiss Jacob goodbye as she takes him to wait outside.
I close my eyes as the midwife squirts jelly onto my bump, running the sensor across it a few times.
"Ms. Nicks...I'm sorry."
When I open my eyes to scream I see the blood between my legs.
I have to wipe my tears away as I wake up, sick and tired of reliving the same events in my sleep. I head to wake Jacob for school, knowing I'll have time to shower (& think) later.

***

"Jake!" I see her yell back into the house .
"I'm here," he chuckles, being only a few feet behind her.
"You sneaky little boy!" She runs at him, lifting him into her arms.
"Daddy is here to take you to school, be good- remember, it's parent-teacher conferences tonight."
"I promise!" He tells her before leaving the porch with his little backpack.
"Morning son," I take his hand and lead him to the car.
"I just need to speak to mommy a moment alright?"
He nods and I walk down the drive, opening the front door.

"Stevie?'
She swivels on the spot, and we avert our gazes.
"Sorry, it's just...I'll be here at 6:30, I wanted remind you."
"Oh, sure, ok."
I open my mouth then close it again, finally speaking as I scratch my elbow like an idiot.
"Have a good day," I tell her.
"You too," she gives me a small nod.

***
Jake's Kindergarten room is rife with colourful decorations at every corner, countless pictures and paper chains hanging off the low ceilings. "Agh!" I mutter as a drawing lodges in my hair as we move along the queue to the teacher, Stevie releasing a giggle. "Daddy be careful! Some of these are mine."
"Ok, ok, I'm just saying they should maybe store them elsewhere."
"It's a kindergarten Lindsey." Stevie rolls her eyes.

It's finally time for our appointment and Jacob goes to play as we talk with his teacher. She gushes, him clearly already being a slight teacher's pet, mine and Stevie's rebellious streaks clearly(thankfully?) cancelling out in him- although his humour could be a little sassy. Before we leave she begins to stutter and my chest tightens, sensing what's to come.
"I just wanted to...I know you'll think I'm annoying....But I love your music."
"Oh don't be silly, that's absolutely fine. Other than my family, the people who enjoy my music are my world." Stevie beams, nudging me under the table.
"Yeh, thanks, it's really not a problem."
"He's lying he hates publicity."
I shake my head as we laugh a little, nudging her back.
"And you two make a beautiful couple."
"Oh...We're not..." Stevie tails off.
"Dear god I've made a fool of myself."
"No, don't be silly, I mean we have a child together. Thank you, thank you so much, Jacob really enjoys his time here." Stevie rambles as we shake Ms. Green's hand in turn, remaining silent as we walk to collect Jacob from his string of friends who are playing together as their parents wait.

***

I feed Sulasmith in the kitchen as Lindsey reads Jake his bedtime story. I let her out into the back garden as I lean against the wooden railing of the porch, mulling over what a web of confusion my life has- ok maybe it's always been where Lindsey is concerned- become.
"Steph," I feel his hands on my waist and I stop breathing. His lips meet my neck and I shiver, feeling his zipper against my backside.
"Oh baby I need you. I want you so bad." The sentient is mutual as the butterflies he gives me render me almost immobile. He turns me around to reach my mouth. Although I was just startled a moment ago, I am already caught up in his touch, my body aching after close to a year without him. I channel my fury into our exchange, shoving him down onto the chair as I fall to straddle him, my nails scraping his back as our tongues battle it out. He groans into me as his hands squeeze my breasts. Before he can reveal them from my top, Sulasmith begins barking as she bounds up to us and I catch a glimpse of the smeared lipstick on my face in the window. I swallow my emotion as Lindsey takes my face into his hands.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't believe I let this happen," I whisper with deep shame, climbing off him and calling Sulasmith inside as my insides turn.

"Stevie?"
"How could you think that of me Lindsey? I...We just lost a daughter and you think I would knowingly hurt another woman's."
"Stevie I never believed it! The cops were a precaution!" He runs his hands through his hair as we return to the single topic of conversation for us since that morning some months ago.
"A precaution? You told me they were fvcking coming for me and then walked out of the door with our son."
"Steph I promised you I would come back! The CCTV proved Kristen immediately wrong anyway. You knew it would."
"I carried your daughter for four and a half months in my body, we lost her and you thought I'd been lying to ruin your marriage."
He hangs his head.
"We've barely even spoken about her Lindsey. You..." I choke, unable to stop the tears now, "You never even held her."
He was crying too now, something he had seldom done in front of me.
"I think about her everyday. When I found out Kristen was pregnant I...I just broke down...Even when I look at Stella I feel so guilty because I imagine she could've been yours."
"Lindsey...You've broken my heart..." I manage to articulate between gasping for air. He comes over and we cling to each other.
"Ssh, ssh my girl," he presses kisses in my hair, my voice telling me he's still crying. "I'm here, I'll always be here."