Rants Of Aeri

6/21/2016

So, that last chapter, and comments covered some of my camp experience. And some of my anxiety, or at least alluded to it. As some people may know, I used to go to a therapist for anxiety, and I still go, just extremely infrequently. Now, I know that I have problems. In fact, I've resigned myself to living as a single person for a while. I covered boys in my Opinions thing a while back, and I have found, through soul searching and thinking about myself, that I'm insecure about friendship as well. I'll post it in the Opinions one, but I want it in here too. So this is what I sent to my friend when I was upset, and I'm basically going to do a copy paste here. I'm changing some names, just like, my parents and super close friends. I doubt any of the others really need to be changed because I either didn't name them, or they have common names. Any people on Wattpad, I'm using their profile names, in this one, it's Pinkeypi, and I sent this to JadeKent really early in the AM a few days ago. Tell me what you think in the comments. :) (BTW, I'm Aeri in the speech when I'm talking in third pov)

My explanation to my friend, AKA, JadeKent:

So. I'm feeling like shit right now. No offence to shit, but that's how I feel.

It isn't anyone's fault, but do you know why Pinkeypi just said "I don't think French is that hard" after I had that deeply emotional and wrecked mssg? I'm honestly confused and a little hurt. I know I'm totally overreacting, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. :( [Pinky, see the bottom of the part for my explanation of how I feel now. I get what you said now, and I did a bit after I wrote this, okay?]

I'm experiencing a record low of emotions. And I'm on a complete emotional rollercoaster which is being safety tested by me. And it's not going well. The car fell on the loop the loop, and is now barreling upside-down towards the loading dock. I feel battered. I don't want a guilting speech. I've had enough of those mentally whenever I walk this through with you or Pinkeypi. The whole "Aeri, there are starving children in Africa", or "Aeri, there are so many people who would give anything to be in your position" spiel has been given out a thousand times by mama. It plays in my head whenever I imagine talking about this to not my parents. I've spoken to them enough that when it comes down to how I feel, they know I don't need any guilting. So please don't. I'm begging you.

I am a total train wreck. I'll admit that in an instant. It's no joke, and I know that it's surprising that no one totally hates me. I figure this is probably all hormonal, or karma, or whatever, but I need this. I need to say how I'm feeling now. And I'm feeling like shit. I can't sleep, refuse to wake up once I do sleep, and have nothing to do and so do nothing. Right now, I want school. It'd make me move and do more than go through the motions. I'm not happy right now. I'm honestly not. Skyrim is amazing, but it's not a lifestyle. I need to get out and have a constant thing I do every day from nine to five or something like that. I need a job or class to keep me occupied and this sort of do whatever doesn't work for me for more than a month. I suck at being a couch potato, and I need to be busy so I don't dwell on things. I now see why mom didn't let me have nothing to do in the summer. *hangs head*(did it for real when I wrote that.) I'm insane and have no clue what to do without structure in my life. Weekends are great, but if every day is a weekend, it gets boring and the nothingness is extremely overwhelming. The lack of parents is scary too. Although I'd never admit any of this to my parents. And I'm so so so so so so sorry for just dropping this on you. I don't want to be a burden, but I need this. It's like taking a bath for me. Just a little indulgence. I'm in my head so much, it's feeling like I practically live there. I'm being a total drama queen. I know. Feel free to say it if you think it's true. But I stew when I have too much me time. And stewing probably isn't good for my mental health.

And I've gotten the, "Aeri, why would you ever feel this way, you're an awesome human being!" and the "Aeri, stop bitching. You're doing this to yourself. You can stop whenever you want." but I fucking can't! It's impossible. My brain has too much power. And it fucking sucks. *tearing up for reals* I suck, and can't stand up to my brain. I imagine highly detailed conversations that turn out so badly for me even though I know that it's highly unlikely it could ever happen, but it could. It could. And that is what gets me every time. It could happen. That is a possible scenario. It's the worst, but it could. And that scares me. My brain is so fucking smart, it comes up with possible scenarios that are so scary for me.

When I was younger, maybe seven-ten? My biggest fear, other than the dark, was that my parents would die. My nightmares and thoughts before I slept were that my parents were going to be killed by people who came into my house and that their last moments would be spent trying to wake me up so I could run. For a kid, that was a terrible thing. And sometimes I imagined that Jackie Chan or Jet Li or this other dude from a Chinese movie who died honorably was protecting me. Like a specter. Or a spirit. They were glowing blue and translucent. Don't laugh. It's not funny. As a child, I resorted to movie characters to protect me. And my family. Because I was so scared that burglars or murderers or serial killers would invade my house and kill my family. I think one dream or imagination, I can't tell which, described me running to Bernice's house down the street and asking them to hide me from the serial killers. Yeah. I was a messed up kid. No joke. And I'm not exaggerating. Ask my parents. They can tell you that I used to go into the living room to ask them if killers would ever come into the house and kill us or something like that. I'm so fucked up.

[end quote from message]

So now I get why Pinkeypi said that. She was thinking about me feeling worried about French, not disregarding my feelings. So I owe her an apology. Pinky, I'm so sorry for thinking that way, and I seriously owe you an IRL apology when I get back from camp in like, three weeks if I don't see you before I leave. :)

So that's that. Comment and I'll respond. Hopefully. :/ I'm kinda unreliable sometimes, but I do my best, and that's all you can expect from anyone, right?

-Aeri🌼