Rants Of Aeri

6/17/2017

Why am I cold to everyone? I don't understand it. I'm a bit of a loner, and although I've never considered that to be a bad thing before, I've started to question it. More than I should. I keep my head buried in my Chromebook/a novel/my phone. I don't talk to people I don't know well unless they talk to me. I always feel a little out of place in group settings. On occasion, when left by myself in a crowd and I see my friends, I often don't talk to them, and I can't tell if it's my anxiety or just an irrational quirk of mine. I just can't bring myself to go and attempt to include myself. I want to, desperately, but I can't force myself to go. It's the same problem I had when I was alone in the lunchroom and I didn't know if any of my friends were there, so when I saw an acquaintance, it took me twenty minutes of me standing by a pillar like an idiot, nails dug into my palms, as I tried to force myself to ask if I could sit there. I'm tired of feeling separate. I know that on some level, I am no matter what. I'm a year younger than everyone in my grade, having skipped 2nd grade. I just wish that I wasn't so... Me.

Why am I mean? I used to be more mean. I've been trying to change it. I wonder sometimes if I'm coming off rudely. I can't bring myself to ask. It's not just that I don't want to know, I think my anxiety makes it harder for me to feel okay asking. But what do I know? I'm just me. Not a psychologist. I ask myself why I am so annoyed by things sometimes. I wonder if I'm the only one that is a total bitch mentally. I cuss people out in my head. I tell them off for being so stupid mentally. It's not all people. I'm just judgy sometimes. I think.

Why do I feel so lost? I feel untethered. Sinking. Unmoored. Alone. And it's so frustrating. I feel like I should know why I act and feel the ways I do. And I don't. I often feel like I know nothing. I feel unmotivated. The only thing I feel sometimes is regret. I should've _______ repeats over and over again. I should've told my crush how I felt 2 months ago. I should've tried to work things out with my best friend when we were having problems instead of having us take a break. I should've been kinder to my ex when he was a jackass to me back in 6th grade. I can't let anything go. I should be able to move on, but I dwell on all of my mistakes.

Why do I feel like such a pig sometimes? I swear, I've gained weight. My cheeks are chubbier, my thigh gap is gone, my stomach pokes out farther than my chest. I can't keep myself from eating the pasta and bread that I love, and I can't force myself to like vegetables and fruits more. I overeat sometimes because I love pasta too much. I can't give it up because it makes up half of my meals. I'm so tired of being so picky, but I can't seem to find a veg I like. I'm going to the gym, but I doubt it'll get rid of the fat that migrated to my face. My mom tells me she thinks I'll grow soon, but the pediatrician said that's unlikely. My face isn't going to change back, and no amount of exercise will likely change that.

Feeling a bit depressed and stressed and sad and gloomy and lonely and PMS-ing insanely hard,

Aeri🌼