Rants Of Aeri

7/13/2016

Subject: Why am I so... Me?

So, as described in previous rants, I have anxiety. And feel insecure sometimes. And over think everything. I analyze and contemplate, but then sometimes just do stupid things without thinking. I just can't comprehend why in the world I would ever do these things, or I just hate myself for doing stuff. And my brain gets so hung up on it. And so I end up writing here, like a lonely, lame, person.

Also, so I just got back from camp, and this one girl in my cabin, or pav(short for pavilion, or however it's spelled in French, that's just what it sounded like but using the English word...), was a total gossip. And I've told this story to my parents and during camp I complained about her, and everyone was just like, just stop thinking about her, it's in the past! But I just can't. It is bothering me so much. So this is the story of this girl. She shall be called E so that I don't have to feel super terrible about writing about her and posting it. I feel like such a gossip for complaining about her already, but I'm super hung up on it. Sorry!

So E and I became fast friends, she'd been to this camp and was basically my first friend there. On the day after the day we arrived, the second day, I branched out, but I really liked her. By the fourth day, I had discovered that E loved to gossip(like what I'm doing right now. 😢), which I personally frown on, but she helped me through camp, and I couldn't really blame her. If you don't journal, people are the next best thing. By the fifth day, I realized that she is also a drama queen. And she makes really bad "jokes". I could also never figure out when she was joking, and one girl(her friend) heard me talking to her after she made a big deal about me taking her joke too seriously and I said that I could never tell when she was joking and she just kinda looked at me like I was a stupid kid and said, "Her voice changes and [something about her face], it's so obvious." And she said it in a rude manner.

So, her jokes. All you really need to know is that they were pretty well disguised rude remarks most of the time, and if I didn't get that her joke was a joke, or said it wasn't funny she pulled the whole, it was just a joke, stop being such a downer, or, I didn't mean it, why would you even think that I would ever say something like that? or, stop being so serious! This whole routine is something that, I believe, is only pulled by people who are saying mean things, and they know they're mean, and they just disguise them by saying it in a joking manner, which totally makes it okay. Totally.

Next, my journal. I journaled camp, and if you want, I can post it if you really want me to, but I basically put the activity, a rating for it, and the description. I did it for meals and activities(we didn't do much else) and did it every single day. E always bugged me during sieste(nap time/quiet time in your cabin) to let her read it, and made a big deal if I didn't let her. So I always let her. Except when I wrote something bad about her in it. Once. And somehow someone saw, told her, she told me, but somehow was still nice to me. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO THE HELL REACTS LIKE THAT? THAT'S NOT REALISTIC! Sorry, but who does that?

Next, my day of homesickness. So one day in the first week, I read my parents emails(we got them the day after the day they sent them) and got really homesick. Like, I was homesick earlier in the day, but after reading the letters, during sieste(which is when we got them), I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. So I was sobbing, and E came over, which she wasn't supposed to do, comforted me, and I felt so much better afterwards. So that leaves me so conflicted about her.

Next, her response to people complaining about stuff she didn't believe should be complained about. She basically dissed anyone who complained about something she found fine. So I was having trouble eating at camp, I'm a picky eater, and it's smell and taste. Not so much texture, though. So most veg is hard on me. And that was bad at French camp. And I said something about it and she was just like, it's just a vegetable, what's the big deal? My mental response: Well, what's the big deal? The big deal is that I gag badly when I smell something bad or taste something bad! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BITCH? It's not my choice what makes me gag, okay? And I can't control it. My fucking parents, mostly just one, already gives me a hard time about it, okay? They're just like, Stop gagging, Aeri, it's not that bad! I hate it when people are like that.

Finally, her drama queen mannerisms. She made such a big fucking deal about every little thing. Didn't get her letter that day, complains to everyone. One day we had a ham and provolone sandwich. She realized it was ham, which she can't stand. She literally ate only salad. And made a big deal about the ham. I know that's mean, coming from Ms. Picky Eater. But it was a little weird for me.

So that was E. Yeah. So, feel free to comment, whatever, tell me that I should stop making a big deal, whatever. But honestly, she kinda ruined my camp experience with her attitude and presence, so can ya blame me?

Thanks for reading, Aeri🌻