° + * Soramafu Oneshots * + ° (PART 1) [COMPLETED]

41. How Much You Meant To Me

A/N : Love Hurts, the second part, from Mafu's POV. Continued from where I stopped.
        
         This year is the first new year I'll be spending without Soraru. He will be in the hospital, coma, and I'll visit him, like how I always did.

        "Mafu-kun, wanna go to the shrine together?" My new girlfriend asked me with a cute smile, but I shook my head. "We should break up." The joy in her face just now changed to despair, and I felt guilt at this. But, I have to be firm.

Look what happened with Soraru.

       Tears prick my eyes as I made my way to the hospital. Why did I even broke up with him? I love him...right? It's true. My heart still raced whenever he is near, and I still feel pain whenever he look hurt.
         I reached the floor, and was about to push the door open, until I hear a voice talking to no one in particular. I pressed my ear to the door.

"Soraru-chan, I'm back! How are you so far?" Suzumu-san? "I'm fine, Suzumu, you shouldn't have come visit me everyday." Soraru-san is awake? I pressed my eyes to the crack in the door, and saw Suzumu hugging the raven-haired male. Jealousy courses through my veins, and I fell through the doorway.
         "Mafu?" Soraru looked at me, worry in his eyes, and my heart broke. "I'm gonna leave you guys for a while," Suzumu smiled at me, and walked out. "Sit here, Mafu." Soraru patted the seat next to him, and I sank down on the seat.
          "What's wrong?" He asked. "Your wrists," I mumbled, staring at the scars on his arms. "Don't worry about them," he said, and ruffled my hair. But I'm the one that caused them. I stared at him until he start to shift uncomfortably. "What?" "Don't cut yourself anymore." He avoided my eyes, and I saw a blade on the table. There was still blood on the end.
         "What's this?!" I shouted, and he winced. "It's nothing, please, Mafu-" "It's not nothing! How could you do this to yourself?!" I cut him off, and he stood up, his eyes blazing with anger. "Does it matter to you?!" He asked. When I didn't answer, he laughed bitterly. "Get out." He gestured to the door. "I don't want to see your face." "Soraru-" "Just go." Tears streaming from my eyes, I walked away.

Again.

        The next day, I went to the hospital, and saw that a lot of doctors are on the level of his ward. "Doctor, what's wrong?" I asked one of them. He turned, and said, "Soraru-kun committed suicide. I'm sorry, Mafu-kun. So you want to see him?" Numbly, I nodded, and he let me in.

        Blood splattered his arms, while the other parts of his body is clean, and he looked...serene. Happy, even. He had slashed his wrists with the blade I left on the table, apparently. Soraru-san....why? My eye caught a letter under a glass of water, and I took it.

To Mafu.

         "I'll go first," I said to no one in particular, and slid out, walking the familiar path to Soraru's house. Using the key, I opened the door, and went in. Taking a deep breath, and curling up in his bed, I opened the letter.

Dear Mafu,
         I've not been really good at expressing my feelings, and I think you know that. The truth is, I've always loved you. And when you broke up with me...I couldn't think straight. I don't know anymore, whether I'm just a fling to you or that you actually loved me.
           So I started cutting myself. It was heaven, at first, the pain, but after I cut myself... the pain after that, the knowledge that I did such a thing, it disgust me. I hate myself. I tried to stop, when you came this afternoon, but I can't.

       You may say that I'm a coward, to commit suicide, and I'll probably a admit it. I can't deal with this life, and I'll make sure this time count. The last time I tried to commit suicide, I failed, and I know that it's hurting you, so I decided. I'll leave you. I'll let you live a better life. I will not be a burden to you.

Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you, and goodbye.

Tears streaked my cheeks as I laid on his bed, sobbing.

As I thought, I love you.