Predator and Prey

Chapter VI

{Alex}

I WAS IN deep shit. He was sitting next to me, smiling, and I could feel my heart fluttering and why was I so happy he had said that I was beautiful? In fact, why had I let him drag me back onto the wedding topic at all? Every time I thought about my birthday sleepover, I inevitably ended up thinking about the dare to sneak out the night of my sixteenth birthday--the one that ended with me dragging myself home to an empty house and finding that all my friends had chickened out and left, right when I needed someone to comfort me and help clean me up. He was a stupid, jackass mate for making me think about that again, and he shouldn't ever be allowed to so much as speak to me again, and... And he was smiling at me again.

Damn that smile.

It made me forget everything, made this warm glow seep through me, healing the cracks in my heart, one grin at a time. It made me feel like someday, somehow, this was all gonna be okay. Like maybe there was a happily-ever-after after all.

Yep. I was in deep, deep shit.

"Alex," Jack began, and I tensed, trying to put up my mental barricades, "Can I ask you something?"

"That's the second time you've asked that in the past few minutes," I said, relying on sarcasm to cover up the way that my pulse was racing. "Do you really think my answer's changed?"

"Right, sorry," he said, "I wanted to know... Why won't you just go out with me?"

"What?" I asked, jumping.

"That didn't come out the way I meant for it to," he said. The sun must have set when I didn't notice, because I could only see his blush by the changing light of the TV. "I'm not trying to pressure you or bring up a bad topic or anything, I swear. I just... I want to know what I did wrong."

I had been building a fortress of mental retorts, but those last few words brought it all crumbling down.

"You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you're great."

He brightened.

"But... I just... I can't really explain everything, okay? Just trust me. Everything would come crashing down, and sooner rather than later. It'd hurt too much, for both of us. It's better that we stay just as friends."

"That doesn't really explain as much as I wanted it to," he said, his expression not exactly hiding his disappointment.

"I know," I said, cringing inwardly. How on Earth was I supposed to do this? "I'm sorry, I swear I am, but I don't think that we would work."

He ran his hand through his hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. "You keep saying that, but I don't get why. Now, believe me, the last thing I want to do is make you feel like you've been backed into a corner, but so far, what you've told me just makes me think that you're afraid--that you aren't even willing to give it a chance on the off chance that it doesn't go perfectly."

I opened my mouth, hurt and angry, but what I said came out quietly and unexpectedly. "I am afraid."

He blinked, startled by my admission. I was too, but I pushed on anyways. "I know that you're frustrated and that you don't like the way things are between us and I know that I'm not giving you a good reason... But I'm afraid, and I have good reason to be."

"Why won't you just tell me what happened?" he asked, but instead of being loud, angry, like I expected, it was just as quiet as mine--a desperate plea.

"Because," I said, biting my tongue to stop myself from telling the truth, "it's personal. And not the kind of thing that I tell someone I met a few weeks ago--not even if that person is a damn fine chef or my soulmate."

Defeat colored his features, and he settled back onto the couch. "Okay then."

"Thank you," I said, leaning forward and kissing his cheek before getting up. I grabbed a few plates, and with the ease only a part-time waitress could manage, headed towards the kitchen with my stack.

I hid there, washing dishes and blinking back tears for the next fifteen minutes. I heard Jack in the living room, taking deep breaths and I could sense him trying to gather himself up.

I caught myself wondering if it'd be easier just to tell him, to see the look in his eyes when he realized I might not ever be ready to take that step in our relationship, if it'd be easier to watch him run far away.

It didn't hurt nearly as much as when I found myself wondering if it might be easier to be with him, damn the consequences and emotional baggage.

***

That night, my dreams were haunted by men in top hats that dissolved into shadows and the smell of sulfur mixing with smoke.