(cancelled) Born To Be Somebody

Millie's Struggling

One month later:

Thinking back Millie doesn’t find her birthday that bad. If she’d known what she knows now she would have appreciated it more. The voices weren’t that bad back then. They are now. Today the voices made her cut her arm so now she has three deep wounds which are leaking blood if she moves the arm too fast or too much.
She hasn’t cut herself before and she always hoped that the voices wouldn’t make her do it because she felt like she should be able to resist them and fight them off but every day they grew stronger and stronger and then today was the day she couldn’t fight them anymore.
If she could just talk to someone about it but she doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Her parents are always away and when they are actually at home they are busy with everything else than their 17 year old daughter.
She is only their first priority when she’s ill and in need of a doctor. A doctor might be what she’s in need of now but she can’t talk to anyone about her feelings. She’s ashamed of the voices and even more because she can’t fight them.

Her throat feels sore from all the screaming. Something that didn’t make her feel any better. Nothing makes her feel better. She’s tried walking, running, screaming, crying and blaming the world but it doesn’t even take the top of the anger the voices make her feel toward herself. She feels worthless and stupid. There is nothing she is good at except from hating herself.

Millie sighs and decides to try to take a break from the self loathing. She’s trying to make some home works but it’s pointless. Three lines in the voices are back saying “stop reading, you’re not clever enough”. The voices always find a way of hurting her. She’ll never get used to it. With a scream she throws the book after the wall with the result that the book hits her arm and her wounds bleed again. It is beyond frustrating and Millie wants to give up on everything but luckily the voices are not that strong yet. She got away from the darkness back when it was her birthday so she knows that it’s possible.

Suddenly “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay blasts through the room. That means that her best friend, Jessica, is calling. Millie isn’t sure whether she should answer the phone or not. She knows that Jessica will be able to sense that something is wrong and she hasn’t come up with an excuse for that yet so she decides against answering and lets the call go to voice mail. She feels a bit guilty for ignoring her best friend whom she can talk about everything with but she’s in no state to make up any kind of excuse for her bad mood. She can’t even come up with a lame one.

Jessica knows about the voices in Millie’s head but Millie kind of told her that they were gone so Jessica thinks the voices were due to Millie experiencing a lot of stress in a short amount of time. Millie really wishes she could be honest and tell Jessica the truth but she’s too afraid and ashamed. She really needs to figure out how to deal with everything but not right now. Now she needs sleep. Lots of sleep.