Inconsistence

tear shots

I cried when she told me she was going to get fucked up.

I cried because she felt like she had to,

          I cried because I couldn't stop her. I felt so helpless, so fucking helpless. When you see a beautiful girl ridden with sadness do things to hurt herself to stop herself from hurting. .. It gets to you, I couldn't do anything. I wanted to ask her to stay, keep me company because I was upset, I wanted to ask her to stay, so I could save her, I wanted to ask her to stay because I couldn't bare the thought of alcohol dripping through her veins tonight. no, not like this. I needed her to stay.

The call is about to end, she can't text me on anything until she gets home, that's not reassuring, that's like telling me that you'll text me after you walk through a gun fight, but I want to know you wont walk there in the first place.

Maybe she doesn't understand how bad it is, maybe she doesn't understand how much I want to help her, how I would give anything to get her to stop. But I can't.

I care about her...

I love her..

What the fuck am I supposed to do

I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at myself for not being able to help, not being able to keep her in, keep her sober.

I'm not disappointed in her. I just want her to be happy, I always want her to be happy, I wish she was happy.

It would make me happy if she was happy.

I want to be the knight in shining armor who can rescue her from her tower, and I know that I'm stuck in my own kingdom but I will tie a collar out of the curtains from my windows and I will capture a dragon, I'll fly to wherever she is trapped and become one with my beast.

She called me brave, this, this isn't bravery. This is fighting for what I love, this is not letting the sun set when the world so desperately needs the light.

I told her that she was a lot braver than I am, it's just harder to see, she told me people didn't need to look so hard to see my bravery.

Then where the hell was it when I needed it? Where was it when I wanted to tell her that I was in love with her and couldn't stand to imagine myself with anyone else, where was it the countless times I wanted to say I deserved more, where was it the even more countless times that I wanted to apologize for ever thinking that because she had never been anything but perfect.

Where is my bravery everyday when I want to call her perfect and the  words get stuck in my throat. Where is it when I want to tell her that I barely smile unless I'm thinking about her or talking to her or thinking about an adventure, but truth is, she's the closest to any adventure that I will ever get.

I want to explore her, get to know every root, tree and flower within her heart and water them so they grow into a beautiful forest.

I want to leave my fingertips on her heart, I want them to be permanent, I don't want her to forget about me.

If she loved me the way I loved her maybe she would understand how it would feel. Maybe she would understand if I went to go get fucked up because life was a little to hard right now. Maybe that's the problem.

She doesn't understand how priceless she is, she doesn't understand how perfect she is, she doesn't understand how much she means to me.

I want to sit her down with a pack of paper and a box of crayons and go over every fucking healthy coping mechanism I have ever been taught until she isn't as fed up with life as she is with me. I want to bake her brownies and cupcakes and give her hot chocolate when she's feeling sad. I'd rather have her come over to my house and I take care of her instead of having the drugs do that for me.

Maybe I worry too much, maybe it's not detrimental yet, maybe I could still save her. But she has to want to be saved and I know that she doesn't want to be saved now, so what about later? when she's deeper into this. Even if she wants to be saved i'm not the one who can do it, she won't let me do it.

There are so many people from her past, and I have nothing on them I cannot snap her out of anything, I cannot bring her back to reality, I am but the fucking moon and the moon cannot console the earth, the world when it is storming. I know that she says we are allies, but when we are both trapped in different towers, it's hard to get our points across through letters that take too long to send.

If I could have, I would have pressed my lips to hers so firmly that she would have tasted the tears, she would have felt everything that I feel for her, and she would have stayed in.

Maybe i'm over reacting,.. It's drinking, and smoking, simply getting fucked up. BUt one night can turn into two nights and two nights into three or four or five to weeks and months and years of this and I can't have her throw her life away when she has so much left to live.

"Do it for me" I want to beg her, but I know it wouldn't mean that much, "Do it for your sister, or that girl youre in love with or your future kids or everyone who ever tried to save you, do it for them"

Don't let this toxin act like your medication.

Can you stay inside tonight instead, please? We can talk about where we'll live after highschool, we can talk about our future weddings even if we aren't walking down the same aisle. we can talk about the kind of cats that we'll get, the kind of kids we'll have, I'll tell you that if I don't end up with you i'll end up with someone with blue eyes just so my kids will have a piece of you and so i'll never forget. Love, I don't think that I will ever forget. But I know I won't forget if you go out again, let me try my best to help, i'm here. We can talk about adventures and flower shops in paris and think of names for them, I could sing you a song and tell you how I once had a dream that you sang me to sleep and now every time I have a really good day or a really bad day or just a day when I miss you. Let me rephrase this, so now everyday I have a brief moment in my dreams where I hear your voice, softly murmuring a lullaby. I'll tell you how I will teach our kids French and sign language, and if they are your kids i'll come over every now and again and bring presents and love and I will give them everything I was never able to give to you because I haven't known you your entire life. If you stay inside next time i'll tell you about every dream I can remember with you in it, i'll tell you about every dream without you in it. I'll tell you something, anything if you just please, please stay inside.

I'll tell you how proud I am of you, and how I will only ever always be proud of you because no matter what youre doing, you could be doing a hell of a lot worse and I am so thankful that you're here. Even if you say you know, i'll remind you. I'll tell you how much I love you, well, I can't particularly explain that, but i'll tell youas much as I can, you might leave me breathless every once and a while but it's because i'm that fucking in love with you.. maybe i'll be brave and tell you that to.

I'll tell you how i'm glad you stayed because everytime you leave i'm dying to be with you in every sense of the word.

My tears could fill bottles of vodka but with more strength, take shots of my tears and get drunk off the fact that right now, in this moment, you have someone who will give there all to save you, just, stay inside.. please.