Inconsistence

If I were to move on

"I think she cares"

The worst sentence someone could have possibly said to me. don't tell me that you think she cares tell me the truth. Tell me you know that she doesn't love me. Tell me that you know she wouldn't miss me if I was gone. Tell me that I'm wasting my time. Tell me I should give up.

"Shes moved on already. maybe you should to"

I'm tryingimtryingimtryingimtryingimtrying

I

am

trying.

Everything I look at tells me i'll find something better. they tell me she wasn't as good as I remember. but, then my god, why is she so fucking hard to forget?

"Best friends before anything."

But I never fell in love with her while I was with her, I fell in love with her before that. I fell in love with her while she was my best friend. How the hell am I supposed to watch her be with someone who knew everything about how I loved her and still fucking took her. You can't fall out of love with someone they same way you fell in love with them.

Then wait.

How the hell did she fall out of love with me.

Maybe she is still in lov-

no.

She's gone.

She's away.

If i'm upset. she tells me that she has me.

"I know, love." I want to tell her. "From the very beginning, you have always had me. The problem was that I never had you."

I tell myself maybe someone could treat me better, give me faithfulness, honesty, loyalty, long term, I tell myself that someone could commit. But she is my someone. I want her.

no.

no.

no I don't.

I want to be her little girl.

no.

no.

I don't.

what if I move on and they don't call me their little girl?

Maybe because i'll always be hers. maybe because no matter how hard I fucking try it will always be her.

maybe I don't want it to be anymore.

maybe I wish I could erase her fucking perfect smile out of my memory.

erase her fingerprints off of my heart.

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Bullshit.

i'm the only one doing the "loving" in this situation. i'm the only one putting her first. i'm the one trying as hard as I can.

If I had the chance to go back and never hear her laugh, never make eye contact with her when she looked over at me. If I had the chance not to give her my heart...Well, I never gave it to her in the first place. She stole it. She stole it and then brought it to me asking if she could have it for safe keeping, I. trusted. her.

And for the love of god, I still do.

My heart, is padlocked and held in a chest, caged in fragile ribs and she is the only person who has a key.

I'm not sure if I can change the locks i'm not sure I want to change the locks. the locks and she has a key

no.

no.

no.

I have to. Ihavetoihavetoihaveto

I

have

to.

God, if she could just tell me she loves me. God, if I just fucking believed it. If I could just walk away.

But my hands are chained and my  heart is locked to the girl with a boy, the girl who left, the girl who doesn't love me, the girl who will never love me, the girl who wouldn't care if I walked away, the girl who doesn't think it matters, the girl who doesn't understand what I'm going through even though shes been in the exact same postion, the girl who...

makes me happy.

The one who's eyes are bluer than the sky. The one who can make me happy by just sending a message. a heart. an I love you. the one I would do anything for. the one i'd give my heart waiting for.

If our love was on a computer desk top... I would make a copy of everything and move it to a hard drive for the day that I feel brave enough to delete everything and try to start over. i'll have the hard drive for the next day, for the day that I know my memories are empty glass bottles without you. Empty glass bottles that I will throw, and shatter and stab into every piece of me that wasn't broken when you left.

It will always be you. I guess I have to learn to understand that.

They say it helps to be angry.

But I think of her as a goddess.

And no one has ever been angry at a goddess for not loving a mere mortal princess.

No one has ever been mad at a goddess for not loving a little girl on the moon.

The little girl is just supposed to shine, always out of reach. No one will go and outstretch their arms to keep her. No one wants to. She isn't perfect. She isn't supposed to be kept. You only want to keep her on the nights that she shines full, and forget about her when the clouds cover her.  You only reach for her when youre reaching for someone else. Do not tell her that you love her. You cannot love the little girl, you cannot love the moon.

For if you loved her you would jump the stars and tell her that she has a home, she is not alone floating through space. she does not have to make you her gravity. But she already did. it is already too late. hold her. warn her. tell her that she is going to get hurt. tell her that she is getting hurt. hold her and kiss the broken pieces until someone else tries to fix them.

If you loved her. if she loved me. if she loved me, then maybe, maybe I would know.

If I could erase you,

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't take back loving you because you made me happy.

you make me happy.

I wish you knew that. I wish she understood that it doesn't take that much because when youre in love with someone it barely takes anything for them to make you smile. but it takes more than not talking. it takes more than pretending to care. than one word conversations. more than being inconsistent.

It takes me a lot more to do this than I thought I had. I didn't know that I could be this strong, this weak, this brave, and this fucking stupid at the same goddamn time.

"But... I love her."

Even if she doesn't love me.

Even if she loves me and I don't know it.

Even if she never has loved me.

Even if she never will.

Because I swear on my life that she is worth this, she has been, and she always will be.

I have to be here. for her. make sure she has someone to fall back on, someone who loves her more than they love their self, someone who made her their world and orbits around it like the moon. she is sunshine. she is the sky and she is someone I love.

And it'll all be okay.

It will all be worth it.

"I love her. And I know that. I'm here for her to know it too."