Inconsistence

unattainable

She sat screens across from me, her house less than a handful of miles away, but still too far.

it always seemed too far.

It seemed.. empty now, the potential of what could be had to be kept secret, undercover, as if we were spies playing a game of espionage that neither of us had the heart to lose.

"I feel like everything is being taken away from us,"

I finally spoke.

"We had a relationship taken away from us, we have time taken away from us, god I feel like even our friendship will be taken away from us and I feel like youre just going to want to leave when it gets too hard and I'm so scared of that."

She leaned forward and I wished I had been able to touch her through the screen, "Sweetheart, we aren't waiting for anything. we aren't waiting to get back anything. What we had, is still there, even if it just has to be hidden. And yeah, things aren't as easy, but i'm not going to leave, okay?"

Sure, you might not leave, but I wanted to tell her that sometimes it feels like she has already left, that sometimes imagining her with her stupid boyfriend was enough to send me to tears.

she said she was afraid of destroying me, because I was in love with something I couldn't have.

I don't think she understands that it destroyed me more when I wasn't in love with her, when I hadn't fallen for something so beautiful and perfect as she was, is and always will be.

for, falling for her, I had something to stand for. My adoration for her seemed to be the ground I could build everything on top of, and I know that that seems crazy to think that I fell for some little girl who doesn't love me the same way and might not ever. But to me, it would seem crazier if I just gave up now, you aren't supposed to give up everything that you have ever wanted and pretend that finding something else is going to help you feel the same way.

Funny thing with her, I wont ever feel the same way, I wont. it's her. its always going to be her. until I find someone who can't see through my acting. until I find someone who cant here me when I whisper  her name, someone who will pretend that they don't see me searching for the moon the way I search for her. and someone who wont look at me when I stare, dreamily at the sky, looking for her eyes.

Maybe i'll just have to think of the sky as her eyes, but if Idid that, I swear I would never look away