Never Have I Ever

Chapter 3

      After my suicide attempt and all the chaos it brought on, I often went home and just slept. Everything seemed to be taking the biggest toll on me. My life just seemed so out of place and never seemed right anymore. I wasn't a perfect person, I wasn't the nicest or even the brightest person and I knew that. I was becoming content with who I was. I think that's a good step in the grand scheme of things. 

       But to give you a little back story, Allen and I had been dating for over a year and half before ending things. We first met my freshman year in English. We had assigned seats in the class and He sat in the seat directly behind me. I had always noticed him but never really had the courage to say much of anything. The first few weeks of school went by and we never really spoke much to each other. I'd often catch him staring, and he'd look away and vice versa. One day our English teacher, Mr. Bryant, told us to choose partners and to my surprise, Allen was the first person to approach me.

       Whatever the project was had to have been pretty mind numbing being that I barely remember even talking about it. I mainly remember just staring at how handsome Allen was. He was 6'1, with nice caramel skin and kind of built. (There were rumors that he danced but I had never seen him do it). He had pretty brown eyes and straight teeth. The way he smiled would brighten anybody's day. He just seemed so perfect. Cliche I know. Being as young as I was back then I really wasn't too open about liking guys or just dating in general. I was still kind of finding my place in it all. But Allen made me feel.. different. It was a good kind of different I guess. I always felt nervous around him, like I was trying too hard to impress him or something. Whenever we talked it seemed like I was being swallowed by his presence. He was just so interesting to me.

The way he talked. The way he smiled. The way he looked at me had my stomach in knots.

Wait, Am I falling for him ?

      I remember in November of my freshman year we both were hanging around after school and didn't plan on it. We just kind of saw each other started having conversation. We were covering the basics. You know "what middle school did you go to ?" " do you like the school " how old are you". The usual.

" so what are you into ?" Allen said.

" uhm what do you mean ?" I laughed

" I mean.... You know... like what do you do for fun ? Haha"  he replied.

But I knew he meant something completely different.

"Ohh okay. Well Uhm... I like to draw every now and again. That's something I do whenever I'm bored. What about you ?" I said.

"Oh really ? You should show me some of your work some day" he smiled and continued " but I dance. It's something I'm passionate about. It keeps me going."

      He continued on about dance and how much he loved the art and all it had done for him and hearing him so excited about it made me more excited to listen. We talked some more and before I realized it, it was time for my mom to come get me. I really didn't want to leave. I was enjoying this time with Allen. I had never gotten to know someone like this before. The conversation wasn't even that deep but it just felt so sincere and honest.

"Oh my god, my mom is outside. I got to go." I said with a sense of hurry.

But before I could get my back pack completely on my shoulders Allen grabbed my arm. As I turned around I asked "What is it ?" 

"Hold on just a second"   he unlocked his phone and told me to put my number in it. And without hesitation I did. As I gave him his phone back he got up and gave me the tightest hug.  It was first time I felt my body tingle.

"See you tomorrow" he said with his perfect smile.

"Yea see you tomorrow" I replied, still not wanting to leave this moment.

I went home that night and dreamt up a million possibilities of what could happen between us. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't quite put my fingers on it but I could tell I wanted more from Allen. He was just so captivating. But at that moment in time, I had no idea what love meant. Yea, I've said it to like a million people and barely meant it to half of them. But I've never truly comprehended the word love and what it meant to love and be in love with someone.

In the midst of all this thinking, my phone vibrated, It was Allen. He didn't say anything major just "hey it's Allen" and "wyd".

And I honestly didn't know how to respond. Do I ask him out on a date ? Do I ask him what he wants to do in the next 10 years ? I felt like a 5 year old who had never made legitimate conversation before.

I finally sent "hey"  back. And calmed down. Why I'm acting like this? He's just a boy. He's just a boy ! I had to remind myself. But deep down I knew he was more than just a boy to me. Like I said before, I don't know what it was about him but something just kept telling me he was gonna be more than just a friend.

We texted back and forth for hours basically continuing our conversation from we had left off earlier. And eventually asked me the tell all question.

"So .... I hope you don't mind me asking but.... Are you gay ? "

This is the question I had asked myself a million times over. I was confused about myself. I didn't think I was gay mainly because I had still had a sexual attraction to girls. So I considered my self bisexual but even that didn't feel completely right. But I wasn't going to go that deep with him just yet. Maybe later but not now. So I just went with it.

"Yea.... are you ?"  I sent back. Waiting like a helpless child for a response.

"Yea I am."  He replied. " I'm glad to finally talk to another gay guy. Sometimes I feel like I'm by myself when it comes to all of this. You know ? Like I have no one to talk to about it all."

I couldn't agree with him more. Being gay is like being in a secluded box of mysteries and wonders that you haven't quite figured out yet or even thought about. There were so many aspects to it. Things that make you reevaluate all you thought you knew and things you didn't know at all. And most of the time you had to think about a lot of this alone. As my brain was pondering all of these things I started to wonder could I see myself with Allen? Could he be the one? No matter the answer to any of those questions. I knew I had to get closer to him. He honestly seemed too great not to.

Allen ended up texting me the whole night into the morning almost, having countless meaningless conversations. We talked about some of the dumbest things I will admit but it was just comforting to have moments like this one someone. I felt like I was truly gaining a friend. A best friend. Someone I could always depend on for things like this and so much more. I knew from this moment that he just might be the one for me.