Never Have I Ever

Chapter 5

         Seeing Allen with Kevin was a wake-up call that I wasn't ready for. Like not even in the slightest. I suddenly remembered that we were supposed to meet later in the library but I honestly didn't feel like seeing him. Not after that. The shock had left at this point. I wasn't shocked or sad or any of that. I was pissed. I mean mad as hell. 

How dare he? Like how dare he do something like that? What does even see in him?

      I honestly didn't want anything to do with either of them. They could have each other. I felt so betrayed and I honestly don't understand why. Maybe it was just me being territorial or just my overall jealousy in general. Whatever it was, I didn't like it. As I picked myself up off the floor, I wiped my face and straightened up the best that I could. The numbness I felt just kept growing. Like the situation seemed so surreal and he doesn't even know I saw it.

     I grabbed my book out of my locker for my 5th-period class and headed back to 4th. Being as mad as I was, I simply had no reason to want to see Allen anymore. Right before I got to my 4th-period classroom door, I stopped for a second and leaned up against the wall. I texted Allen saying:

     You know what? This is stupid. Never mind. Forget about meeting up. I'll just see you around.

     As the text sent, I placed my phone on Do Not Disturb and walked into class.

        After 4th period was over it was time for lunch and about an hour had passed since I sent the message to Allen. I hadn't even bothered to check my phone. So I thought why not and checked it. As I unlock my phone I see 5 messages and 3 missed calls....all from Allen. What could he possibly want? He honestly doesn't have a thing to say to me at this point. I was over it. And him. Now in my head, I knew I was excited that I got the messages and the calls but I wasn't going to let him know that. As far as he knew I was pissed as hell. Mad as I ever could be.

     As I open my phone I read his messages one by one just so he knows I have read them.

    "Hey, you were not just in the upper hallway bathroom were you ?"

     "Deon ?"

     "Hello ?"

     "Are you not going to answer me ?"

     "Look I swear I'm sorry if you saw anything but that wasn't how I wanted you to find out. Eventually, I was going to tell you. You have to believe me, Deon"

Liessssss.

       That's all I could think. I honestly don't think that he would have ever told me. I'm sure he would have just let me find out as everyone else did. And that hurts me more because I honestly thought that Allen and I  would always be friends if not anything else in this world but I guess that just wasn't the case anymore. And I just have to accept that. That was the sad reality and truth. And an extremely tough pill to swallow.

    As the weeks went on I began to realize that my dream of getting back together with Allen was simply a dream deferred. One that I was honestly ready to let go of. At least I felt like I was. It wasn't going to be the easiest process I've ever been through. But I could do it.

But damn I loved that boy.

      I told my self I would stop all communication with Allen and simply just let him be happy with his new boyfriend. It was the right thing to do whether I wanted to accept that or not. It was just best for everybody and for both of us to move on with our lives. I think part of me knew this all along but just honestly didn't want to admit it.

     I think the one thing I struggle with more than anything else is that I gave every bit of my self to him and I honestly don't feel like I have much left for anybody else. I was vulnerable. I was open. I was submissive and I put my all into that relationship. Everything. I held nothing back. He was truly my best friend. I spent a year and a half getting to know myself and him all in the same process. I grew so much with him and not having him in my life made everything just seem so much harder.

Is this what falling in love does to you? If so I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

      Losing the first person you ever loved is hard. The hardest thing I've ever dealt with besides the constants struggles of being gay. But I knew it was time for me to move on. I couldn't keep lingering on him or our relationship. We had a decent run but it just kind of fell in between the cracks and never made it back out.

        A few months had gone by and Allen and I had stopped all communication. At first, I struggled with it. But soon it all kind of set in and I accepted it. It became clear to me. This was something that needed to be done. My mind was clear and I could focus again. All of it started to feel less and less like a constant distraction and more like a fond memory that only came every now and again. I didn't hurt as much anymore. The thought of Kevin and Allen had become bearable. I wasn't as hung up on it as I used to be. I would see them in the hallway and honestly not be phased. It was almost like I was blind to everything around me and it was great. After all of this, I started going home and drawing a lot more. That was where I found my peace. It was truly relaxing and therapeutic. It helped bring back a focus I honestly have not had in a long while. It gave me a chance to let out all my feelings, imagination, frustration and everything else I was feeling at the time. I was really starting to think it was all going to be okay and I was going to go make it through. 

Boy was I wrong.