Never Have I Ever

Chapter 9

        Most people when they initially ask the "are you gay" question generally lead on with a million more dumb ass questions about our sex life and whose the "boy and girl" and all kinds of other idiotic heteronormative nonsense they can spew out in the matter of one time frame. And as a gay person, you eventually learn to get used to it but you will catch yourself getting offended by the ignorance occasionally here and there.

       But with all that being said, Chevon wasn't asking any of those questions. That wasn't what he was getting at all actually. He wanted to know because cause he was DL ( on the "Down Low"). Now in my experience i've heard about DL guys on social media and stuff but i've never actually dealt with one and I really never wanted to. From what i've gathered over the years about DL men is that they're pure headaches, they are the embodiment of selfishness and paranoia. Now of course most of this information came from very biased sources but how wrong could most of them be if they all have some sort of common ground on the subject ?
None the less, I still had my own opinion on the matter honestly, and it's all still confusing to me. I mean, of course at one point I was in the closet and hidden to the world. But that's no longer my truth but I also recognize we don't all walk the same path in life so I try not to judge.
After making it past my own preconceived notions of what a dl man is like, I opened up my mind a bit and let Chevon explain himself further on what brought him to this point in life and honestly I was fascinated.
Chevon was raised in very non religious household but his family was still strictly stuck on christian customs and teachings. He told me that he hadn't been to church in years and that he found it weird that his family even kept up with most of their beliefs like they have.

"Honestly, I've felt like this as long as I can remember but I've mostly kept it to myself just because I never really had anybody I could truly trust with some shit like this"  he stated, " mentally it's been a drain cause it always feels like I'm fighting with my self. Like in my head I think I like girls but then I catch myself having those thoughts and everything is fucked after that."

    He didn't have to clarify what those thoughts were because I knew EXACTLY what he was referring to. And it was reasonable. Looking at his upbringing I don't think he probably would have ever wanted to admit to anything like this.

"So what's keeping you like ....you know ... in the closet?"  I replied not trying to be funny.

"To be completely honest, it's a couple things. I guess support mainly. Like I really don't have many people outside of my family that I just fuck with like that so if I did decide to come out I don't really know who would support me with how I was raised and all." he said. "Like even my baby mama would probably not let me see my son again if I tried to come out"

"Son? ... you have a kid ?!?" I replied dumb founded. "How that happen?"

"Well you know when a man and woman love each other very much...." he typed back in a very mocking tone then put "lol".

"ha ha ha. you're a comedian, but I was being serious" I responded trying not to laugh out loud myself.

My question was kind of dumb I will admit that but in all honesty I was shocked to learn he had a kid. Hell I didn't think he was that old which then led me to think, how old is he actually ?

"So wait exactly how old are you ?" I asked.

"I'm 23" he replied

"Well damn, how old is your son ?" I continued.

"He'll be 4 next month" he responded.

"oh wow...... so you had a kid at 19 ? I honestly don't think I could have done that, I would be so scared to have that much responsibility at such a young age. I'm only 17 and I still can't imagine having a child 2 years from now like...." I replied astounded

       He sent a laughing emoji and then explained, "To be real with you chief, I was scared as hell when I found out, I was young as fuck, still figuring myself out, I thought my world had ended. Me and my baby mama were already on the rocks and we were on the verge of ending our shit but we thought the baby would be what we needed to make it ...... you know..... work" he ended the message with awkward face emoji.

"so.....like.....it obviously didn't work lol" I laughed aloud.

"Nah, It definitely didn't work and we both kinda recognized that after she started dealing with postpartum and I was almost never around" he replied.

"Why weren't you around ? Like ... what were you doing ? Where were you?" I said with concern.

Now at this point, he has me looking at him funny cause I just know he didn't just leave the girl like that..... did he ?

and before I could even finish my thought Chevon had already realized what I was thinking.

"Look hol up, let me explain. It was a lot going on at that time. I wasn't no where near ready to be a father. I was depressed, stressed and confused as hell. I knew I didn't love that girl, especially not how I needed to and I didn't know how I was gonna love my son either. I had to do a whole lot of unnecessary shit to really figure out where and what I wanted to be. and I could do none of that while I was with them."  he expressed with a deep sense of pain and regret in his message and then continued.

"Listen, I regret it. More than I regret a lot of things but I regret not being there for her in her time of need but I really regret not truly manning up and accepting what had happen and avoiding my responsibilities like that. I was in a rough place and all I could think about was a way out ? Like who is gonna take care of me in all of this?"

And as he said that I thought to myself:

We've all had that moment of panic to where we really didn't know what we're doing in a given situation and I can only imagine how that must've felt for him.

Figuring out your sexuality is one thing, and managing a relationship is a whole different ball game, but then to add a baby to that ?

whew.