Never Have I Ever

Chapter 7

     I went with London to her house one afternoon after school just to hang out and relax. We sat up in her bedroom listening to mainly trap music while we also talked over the majority of it.

"So do you ever catch yourself missing Allen ?" London asked.

"I mean yea sometimes. But then I think about how much better off I am without him"  I replied. "Like I constantly have to remember who I became and how I would never want to go back to that"

"That makes sense I guess. Me personally, I would have the hardest time getting over my first love. As you can see I'm still with the dude" she laughed.

"You're better than me. Sometimes I really want to be like "fuck him" and then other times I really just want to fuck him" she continued.

       I honestly couldn't stop laughing at what she said. I think it was more so funny because it applied so well. It was literally too true. Sometimes, I really wanted to be done but then other times I kind of just wanted to be held again. It was tough dealing with these ideas sometimes but I was determined to get through it.

"Can I ask you something? And be completely honest with me" London asked sincerely.

Now in my head, I'm panicking, because I have absolutely no idea what she's going to ask me.

"Yea what's up ?" I said hesitantly.

" What do you miss the most about him, like what is it about him that you honestly just can't let go of ?" She said.

"Uhmm..... what do you mean by that ?" I quickly asserted.

"I mean, be honest Deon, you still miss him and you still love him, a lot. I mean, I would know, I am your best friend. I can tell by how you react whenever his name is brought up in conversation. You're hurting. So I'm asking what is it about him that makes you still love and miss him that much? Was it the sex? Cause, I've never experienced sex that damn great. But then again I've only been with this one dude." she then laughed again
"But seriously, all jokes aside, what is it ?"

What is it?

That honestly was the million dollar question. Why couldn't I let this guy go? Why couldn't I just simply move on? What was wrong with me? I thought for a moment and then it all kind of hit me. I had come to the conclusion that, subconsciously, I didn't want to let him go, no matter how bad he treated me nor what I thought of him, I still only wanted him.

As I started to tear up at my thoughts, I took the sleeve of my shirt and wiped my face. After gathering myself together, I took a deep breath and then I responded.

"I guess, in my head, I think about all that I worked for with him, you know? Like all that I put into us and what we had. And for some reason, I just really don't want to start over. I got so comfortable with him and only him."

I could feel myself breaking down again but this time, I didn't stop the tears. I just let them fall. I needed to cry. I needed this release.

" He opened me up to so much and I.....I just feel like I lost a part of me when he left. Sometimes I try and tell myself "I'm too young to think like this" but that doesn't stop the hurt nor does it keep the thoughts from happening. I'm not gonna lie to you, for a long time London, I was crying myself to sleep at night just hoping that maybe he would call me back and I would be his baby again. But that just never seemed to be the case."

As I'm telling my story to London, I can see her eyes starting to water. I think, even though she hadn't been through what I had, she felt exactly where I was coming from in some way. And I think generally everyone can understand this feeling once you've experienced being in love with someone and you have truly felt all that love has to offer.

"Deon," she placed her hand on my leg "I'm gonna be honest with you, I used to really be upset about the way our friendship ended and I resented you for it. But hearing this, I... I can't even imagine how that has to feel. I'm beyond sorry. I'm just really sorry I wasn't there for you. I really would have wanted to help you through that."

Before I even could say anything else, I quickly hugged London as tightly as I possibly could and started crying. For a while, I felt so isolated and left alone but she honestly made me feel like I was truly cared about. I mean sure, I knew I was cared about in some aspects and people had said it to me plenty of times but lately, people had stopped showing me they cared. Her statement just felt like a blanket of comfort. She reassured me that I have the support and that I'm not alone in this fight.

I wipe my face once again.

"I don't think you truly understand how much that meant to me. But I can't even pretend like this is your fault. I was a shitty friend in every aspect and I will take full responsibility for that. I'm not even gonna front." I said.

"Hell yeah you were, but I've forgiven you and I understand. Love will make you do some crazy shit." We both laughed.

She was right, love has made me do some crazy shit and I'm not too proud of any of it but it honestly felt so good knowing I had my best friend by my side once again. It was like I knew if I ever happen to fall she'd be right there to laugh at my ass and help me up off the ground soon after. And, I mean, honestly, what else could I ask for? After all, I was the one who ruined the friendship in the first place. It just felt really good to know I'm honestly not all alone in this. I needed support, as much as I didn't want to admit that, I needed help. I couldn't do it alone.

I'm just glad she's back in my life.