Never Have I Ever

Chapter 4

     Eventually Allen and I began dating, and my relationship with Allen was wonderful. From my freshman year all the way through the middle of my sophomore year. Sure it had its ups and downs but it made me one of the happiest people alive. I loved that boy with all my heart. He taught me what love was. True, honest love.

And sure I had felt the love from my mother and my father, but Allen taught me a distinct kind of love. One that I could never forget. No one understands how much he meant to me. After our break up I just never felt like that again. I wanted him back. God, I wanted him back so bad it literally ate me up inside.

I would text him every now and again just to see if he was okay and to see if there was a slight chance he wanted to talk. He would mainly ignore me. I mean sure he would reply eventually but he never truly seemed interested in talking to me anymore. Not like he used to. I couldn't let it show my feelings were hurt. I couldn't let him have that satisfaction. I would go throughout the school day pretending to be unbothered by it all or looking like I was fine and didn't care but it was a lie. It was all just a giant lie.

                     He couldn't really be over me, could he?  

This constant thought went around in my head on repeat.

                 Did I not mean that much to him? Am I crazy for thinking so?

The internal struggle I had with all of this was deep. Deeper than I could have ever imagined. I simply couldn't shake him from my mind. It's like he had an imprint in my brain that I couldn't figure out how to erase. I wanted to stop thinking about him. Trust me I tried. I would start drawing and I would end up thinking about how he always loved my art. I would listen to music and remember where I was when I first heard the song and it always came back to him. He used to put me on to all of his music. Being that he loved dance he listened to all kinds of styles. I had truly become a big part of his life and he was a huge portion of mine. And now we were nothing and It felt like I had no escape.

I went to school one day and kept my cool for the most part. I went to my classes and focused. I didn't think about him much and it made me feel better. I honestly felt like maybe, just maybe, I might be getting over it. And as I'm sitting in my geometry class I can't help but over here the conversation behind me.

"Hey, you know Kevin ?" Kiana said to her friend.

"Yea girl. He's so cute. I've been trying to get on with him for a minute but I don't think he's interested" said her friend.

Now in my head, I already knew Kevin was gay, but I really didn't understand how she didn't get that, but was I going to tell her that? Absolutely not. Mainly because I was eavesdropping as it was.

"Girl, he's not interested cause he's gay, Duhhhh" Kiana replied.

Bingo. There it is. Somebody said it.

"Bish stop lying. You don't know that." Her friend replied.

"Who doesn't know it? I saw him and Allen making out the other day in the hallway. It was lowkey kind of cute." Kiana laughed.

"Well damn, ain't that some shit. It's always the cute ones. Shaking my head." Replied the friend.

I sat there paused. I truly had to process what she had just said. I wanted to snap, cry, fight and anything else that could let out the pain I was feeling. How could he? How could he move on and not tell me? He's supposed to still be loving me. Who is Kevin anyway? I just felt so sad I asked to go to the bathroom just so I could cry. I felt so betrayed. But I had to realize..... we weren't together ..... and he didn't owe me anything. And even though I completely understood that it didn't change how angry I was at all.