To Jupiter

Moments, Memories, and Specks

Dear Jupiter,
I have spent many a nights pondering about the universe and all it's functions.
In the spans of things, i am but a speck in the massive collection of much larger specks.
Which means our time together was even smaller. It was but a speck in my life, a small speck in a speck amongst  bigger specks.
I know that you are older than me, so I am an even smaller speck in your existence, but I hope you know even though our time was short, you are my favorite speck, out of all the specks.
I know I would never have the guts to tell you these things in person, that's why my secrets are spilled on to a blank phone screen and shared to a void. In the hopes that somebody, anybody, my hear it.
Recently I was reunited with some old friends, when I returned home to HI. I know I mentioned them to you, even if you didn't care. I wonder if the amount of love I had for  Tethys ever kept you up at night, the way you did with Venus.
The way your friends would tell me about her, and when she was mentioned you were always so quick to defend her.
Sometimes I wonder if you were so busy defending her you failed to notice I needed defending too.
So I was the laughing stock of the whole universe. Even you would make of my weight, it was indescribable. I couldn't take it. And so I took to instagram, relying on the fact that I had never shown you before as a way that only you would get it.
And I was right. But all you did is read it, and the next day one of your friends brought up my weight, but you said nothing.
You did nothing, you sat and watched as I was picked apart as if I signed up to be made fun of when I started dating you.
I put up with so much bullshit for you, but honestly I wish I would have just screamed fuck you and stomped away.
Instead I spent part of my speck feeling like utter garbage floating out in the nothingness, I feeling out of orbit.
Instead I laughed. I laughed with them about myself, and I felt so fake. I was forced and fake and shy and quiet around people I knew, which I am not.
I may be an introvert but these were people I thought I was friends with, surely I should be able to let my guard down.
But just like everything we faced, you proved me wrong, I had to defend myself in every aspect.
And slowly I noticed something, dearest Jupiter.
I noticed how my friends started treating me, how I started holding things back instead of being blunt about it.
I remember Mercury told me I never shut up about my problems but never did anything to change them.
And thats when I realized the most worrying thing I have ever experienced in my speck of a life.
I had turned into you.
I'm glad Mercury said that to me, as much as it hurt. Because I needed to hear it. I needed to be put back into my place. And I think that's when you fell out of love for me, when I became myself again. When I started caring about the strangers you made fun of, when I embarrassed every member of your group that dared to make fun of me.
You never forgave me, did you Jupiter?
I hope when I am older I will look back on the time we spent alone, because those where the best times of my life.
I had an obsession with taking photos of you, whenever I could.
Because those photos held memories that guaranteed I would not forget them like I do all else. I still have photos of you in my locked files, so my so called friends can never find them and erase them like they did last time.
We were only together for a second, and we will be gone in the next.
And although we are so short lived, I hope once again we are joined.
So we may only be here a moment, but I want to spend that moment with you.
Every speck of love,
Saturn.