I went to a funeral today. I don't know how it feels to know someone close that died, but I know how it feels to lose someone. You need help, and your sheets and pillow are disgusting because you ran out of tissues and you don't have the strength to get any. Just... Empty. No life. It's like half of yourself has died. You think, "is there something I could have done?" "Did I do something wrong?" "I wish I could have told them how much I loved them." It's just all regret. Never thinking you did something right. It's all pain and broken hearts. And then people try to tell you it's okay. It's not. You just need a hug. No comfort, no long paragraphs. They don't know how it feels. It hurts more than anything. I would know. You broke me yesterday. I'm already trying to mend myself. What hurts is you're not. You're not going to help. Not unless I do something. Maybe you'll see what you've done and feel bad. Maybe your apologize. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll think I'm a low-life emo depression loser who's asking for way too much. Maybe you'll go for the first one. I don't know. What have I to lose? Nothing. Because we are ruined. I'll wait until after the weekend to settle everything just to see if you'll talk about it.. But really. I'm not going to keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. What/who do you want anymore? We just need to settle it all. I don't care if you don't respond or never talk to me again. But I will care if you do. It makes me feel better that you wonder where I am. That means you think about me. That means I have an itsy bitsy teenie weenie bit of hope that deep down you like me back. I guess Friday and the letters will show. Maybe you'll see that I need a better life than this. Maybe you'll make me happy. But I'm not happy if you're not. If you're just going to date her and be happy that's awesome. It makes me happy that you're happy. If y'all were meant, yes. And yay for you. If we were meant, yay for me! Because you'll come back for me if it was supposed to be you and me. Probably not, but really. I can have hope. I think that it might be you and her instead of you and me. I just have that small feeling. But on the other hand, I believe that it will be me. Even though all the signs say no, I have hope. I have hope that the only thing that can get me out of this mess will. I have hope that you'll catch me. A few days ago, my friend got rejected, and I said, "don't worry. Nobody hurts as much as I do." Whenever I'm asked what's wrong, I say, "everything." Everything is just wrong now. I'm a broken piece of trash that belongs in a graveyard. I'm trying to be something I'm not. What I am is back in the third grade. An ugly little over achiever that keeps her head in books. I keep everything we've done in my mind. I replay our conversations because I know there won't be anymore. I'm trying to make this last, but it's all drama. I'm never going to see you again. And I won't even get to make this the best. I don't know if we can work through this. I don't know if there ever will be a "we" again. I might not even talk to you again. I don't know. I'm so hurt right now, everything is just buzz. Trying to do school stuff, handling all this drama, settling disputes, trying to get you back. I keep having nightmares that you're dating my best friends. And I had this one where Brandon left me. All of this pain and tears pounce upon me. I don't get it. What's up with this? How come in the only one in
Pain here? You don't see it because I say I'm just tired. I've have nights where I'm up all of it thinking about what to do. I don't know! For once, I don't want to try anymore. For once I haven't smiled for real. For once I'm different. I thought that this would be amazing this year. I thought that you would've yelled my name but instead all you said was "Hey," and that wasn't until like the third day. What happened? It's like you aren't happy! You haven't been answering me like you used to much less hanging out with your friends! What is up with that? Come on. Be you. The old you. The one that would just yell my name and push me against a wall any time anywhere. If you're around her, you don't do that. Everything that was you is gone now. What did you do with it? Even she says you're different. She doesn't like it. I don't like it. I don't want you to do something just because of her. Not just because I like you, but because I was your best friend and I care about you that way. You used to say I as like your little sister. I'm not anymore am I? Just... Be you. Not who she wants you to be. Be with who you want. Make your decisions. Follow your heart.
