Ugh. I've been in a good mood because in my new book, you're with me. I have the impossible. You. I can make it however I want. Any way. But I know it won't happen. Because you'll read these, and you'll think I'm an emo loser who is fake. Then, you won't talk to me and I'll be in the corner crying. Because I can't lose you. Not again. I've only got this tiny time to see you and you to care. And I keep thinking that it's all fake just because you see I'm Nerdy and need a friend. Why else would you be with me? You even told your girlfriend that you only like me for my last name. What has happened? I used to have you wait for me. Now I'm waiting for you. It used to be that we would hang out without a problem. Now we are questioned. And my mind just HAD to fall for you. It's so hard. Because my other friend likes you too. And then you have your amazing girlfriend, not to mention all of your other fitness and all of this homework and grades liked on top of you and then you have to practice on top of all of that. It must be so hard. It's like you're torn in a million pieces. I thought it would be easier for me to just leave. I don't want you to be torn and have to work so hard to just talk to your friends. I feel so bad. I wanted to take some of it off of you. But you didn't let me. You care for so many people, it's hurting you. You need to just, be done. It hurts me to see you hurt. I'm not going through a lot too, because I'm not good enough for anything. I'm not smart enough for my classes. I'm not good enough for Brandon to talk to me. I'm not good enough to stop making these stupid letters. I'm
Not good enough for anyone, because I always get criticism. From
Everyone but you and gabby. It's on everything. I get to miss you every moment. Rumors swarm. Pain throbs my mind. And when you hug, well ... Let's not bring that up. I found out that you cared. I don't know if it was just a fake, or if you really do. Maybe you were just tired of all this crap that we are going through. I wish I could help. I wish I could fix it. But u don't mean that much to you. I'm not the one that makes you smile. It's her. I can't tell her what would be good, but I can write about it. I can write about how she can just randomly go up and hug you. How she can just smile. How she can always be happy around you because you're happy when she is. Just these simple things that you love. All I want is for you to be okay. To not hurt. But I don't want to hurt either. I just think that, we need to work this out. Because I'm going to stay sad, and you're going to stay happy and not know what is going on. I don't know if you are happy or sad because you won't tell me anything. I just want to help. I'm sick and tired of wanting to know. And secrets and rumors, and he said she said. My books are my only friend. My books are where I am happy and I feel safe. My only place where I can be okay and happy and everything is nice. Isn't that sad? An imaginary place I made up myself where things are bad for me, but there is one thing for certain. I have you. I hope you understand that. The only reason I'm Happy with all those problems is that I have you. I
Sit around waiting, knowing nothing will ever happen. Why am I still going on? Because I care. Because if I don't believe there is something, then I will give up. Probably pass out on a street and be forgotten. Maybe that's where I belong. On the street. I've wanted a family, and a perfect college, and a loving husband who grow up in a good school system and church. But that won't happen will it? Because I'm
Not good enough. Probably never will be.
