I don't even know why I'm sad. I'm just sad in general. I feel like you've just abandoned me. I just want you out of my life now. No more of you. Just gone. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Because all you do is break and hurt. You aren't here when I need you. You aren't cheering me up when I'm sad anymore. You don't care. I just want to leave you but I can't. I can't. I can't tell everyone how I feel and I can't be happy all the time. I am running out of excuses. I'm tired of faking being happy and faking being okay. I'm not okay. I'm not happy. My smiles are frowns in disguise. My laughs are gags for sobs. I'm not happy. I'm not excited. I'm broken. I'm hurt. I can't go on for long unless someone saves me. There is one person that makes me forget about you. He gives me band-aids. He heals my bruises temporarily from your battles. He stands beside me and helps me in this war. Eventually, he will take me out of it, and she will win, but I will to because I'll be okay with someone else. But until then, I'll be bruised and mangled. I'll be faking myself being okay. I'll write these letters You'll never read. I'll sit here knowing you'll never like me back yet I keep trying. Yet I keep writing these things, for I have no idea what reason. Maybe I have a tiny spec of hope that you like me the way I like you. I just don't have the strength to get rid of it. Maybe you like me and you don't know it. Maybe you should read these, just to figure it out. Because you get jealous when I talk about Brandon. You get upset when I talk about me moving. You laugh with me, you play with me, you let me mess with you and you don't hurt me back. All the signs are there but you don't say it. I don't know what to do. You just need to leave. Leave my head. Leave my life. I don't want you anymore. If you want me, you can stay. But if you don't, leave because you're only making my life worse. Run away with your perfect girlfriend of something. I don't need this crap anymore. I don't need you. Wait, yes I do. No i don't. UGH. I just need you to go away. Leave. Vamoose. GIT. you're ruining my life so just leave already.
(Transition)
I just feel like I'm losing you. I don't know. I just want to feel like it's not a maybe. It's a yes. But it's not that. It's nothing... Are we something? Idk. Is there even a we? Idk that either. I just want to know stuff. We can't talk about it. I can't just ask you. Plus then you've got her. She's a big part of the equation. I wonder if your friends are right. You're just trying to make a decision. Maybe you're trying to decide between me or her. Or maybe you're not even thinking about me. I DONT KNOW!!!
(Awkward transition)
I think that it would just make things so much easier if we just went places together. Just you know, friends. Football games, get kicked out of walmart together, go to the corn maze, or the fair, go to a movie, go do weird stuff at kid places. Maybe then you'd see me. Maybe then you'd notice who I am. Who we could be. If we hung out so much, you'd be used to me. Comfortable. Normal. Right. Why can't we be like that? A healthy best friend relationship. Nothing is better than two best friends that fall in love with each other. But hat won't happen. Haha. No it never will. Because you don't care. You don't care that I'm broken. I've said this a million times but it's true. Do you get that all the time it's just like we are waiting for something dramatic to happen but it won't because you two are too perf for life? How about waiting for you to break up with her? How about me waiting to see you and that last hug we'll get? Because I'm not ready for the impact that will come from walking out of that stupid school on that last day and driving away. And waiting on you to miss me. But you won't. It's not fair because now I think I've just been a second choice. I've just been stepped on, thrown in a wash, and folded into a box. Forgotten. Never to be picked up. Never to be held, or with someone again. Never to feel right again. Never to be happy or be normal. I don't want to be weird. I want to be okay. I want to go to sleep without having fears of nightmares. I want you.
