Saving Max

Chapter 44

I allowed myself exactly three days to wallow in sadness after I left the park on Saturday. I shut myself away in my bedroom with enough sad movies and ice cream tubs to last me a lifetime and sulked until I couldn't possibly sulk anymore. Both my parents tried to talk to me multiple times in those three days, but I would always find a different reason to push them away. Even though I knew in my heart they'd probably be a huge comfort to me, all I wanted was to be alone. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me like I knew they would, because in reality, there was no reason to be. This was my choice, not Caden's. The only one responsible for my sadness right now is me.

In some sort of miracle, though, I do not shed a single tear. In my mind, I decide it's because I refuse to believe things between Caden and I are really over. Though Caden and Max might never physically be in my life again, the home that we built together will always have a place in my heart. What we had is something I will always remember.

In all of this, I also can't help but acknowledge that I would have never met Max if it hadn't been for David. That horrible, horrible man lead Max to me, and it absolutely changed my life. Max and Caden, they changed me for the better even despite our rocky start. They made me stronger and showed me what it's like to be loved deeply, as well as how to build a home and a life for myself. If it weren't for the burden and the curse of David in our lives, I would have used the things that Caden and Max had taught me to become and flourished. Instead I shattered under David's poisonous touch, and it ruined me. Slowly but surely I lost myself in the crumbling pieces of my life that I couldn't figure out how to glue back together. I could no longer be the strong-minded person Caden had helped me find, but instead a helpless and lost individual who could barely keep it together for the people she loved the most. With my mind and my heart slowly falling to pieces, Caden suddenly turned from my rock to my demise, the both of us cracking under the constant pressures of having to deal with David as well as trying to take care of Max. What we had once built up to be our perfect vision of home had steadily begun crumbling into a heap of rubble at our feet until the only thing left was goodbye.

Now that I'm free from the suffocating shards of my life that could have been, I can finally start building myself up again, this time from scratch. I can rediscover the me that I became with Max and Caden and turn myself into the strong, independent woman I always wanted to be. I can find a way to be happy with myself and learn that I don't need anyone else in my life to get me there. I can find a strength within myself, and I don't need Caden or Max to help me this time. All I need is their memory.

After my three days of allotted time to feel selfishly sorry for myself, I wake aching everywhere too early in the morning. I let out a loud groan and press my throbbing elbow deep into my mattress to push myself into a sitting position, using my free hand to rub the crusty sleep out of my eyes. Squinting in my still dark bedroom I look around the dirty space, taking note of the stray DVD's strewn about the floor by the edge of my bed right along with a scattered bit of now empty ice cream tubs. 

Sighing, I swing my feet down off my bed, shuffling hazardously across the room to my small bathroom. I flinch as I flip on the lights, taken aback by the sudden stream of light brighter than any I've seen in the past three days. I shift my gaze to my neglected toothbrush and instinctively cup my hand over my mouth and breathe out, scrunching up my nose at the horrendous smell that instantly fills my nostrils.  

I shake my head, walking the last couple of steps towards the shower and turning on the water to the hottest setting I can stand before stripping off my clothes and stepping in. I let the scorching water beat down on my sore back until the water runs cold, shutting my eyes peacefully with the calm feeling the shower brings. I scrub myself harshly in the now cold water, my skin turning beat red as I try to erase every memory of where Caden had once touched my skin.