She's Not Worthy

More Than She Could Handle

Trying to buy the silence of a child is not what it seems; this shit is hard as hell. I will never know if he'll let something slip out or even if he remembers what he heard. This was as bad as throwing rocks at a window. My heart was constantly shattered with the unknown. How much time should I put towards this secret? Maybe I should just tell the kids the truth about their father. I could get on my knees and just beg for forgiveness; well they are old enough to understand or maybe not. I was debating alone and that by it-self only proved that I was a nut. This was not something I could just put a band aid over and consider it okay. I knew that if they heard it from me that it will put things on a better note. My head began to hurt just thinking of the pain I was going to put them through. Putting my defenses up I decided that I was going to fight this shit out to the end. I know that I should let go of pushing blame, also stop being stuck on anger; however I now have one less problem without him or them knowing.

The situation was like a disease, I couldn't run from it and the ultimate mistake was making mention of it. I was a black widow who had loved and killed, but he should've known better than to step out on me. I loved him until it hurt. Although he hid what he knew I would hate, he was the one who went astray. The roar within me was deep and strong and if anyone got in the way of my freedom, there would be hell to pay. Snuffing him out was painful, but lying to my children was devastating because they trust me.

I was so caught up on hiding the secret that I forgotten all about Wendy having a place to go. I swear that if it wasn't for people like her, I would not be going through any of this. Knowing that she would be gone soon, I was happier than a couple breaking up. Can you say good times? Waving my finger in the air, my feet shuffled in a dance movement; hell yeah, I had Moves Like Jagger if I let Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera tell it. Having noticed that eleven days passed and she still hadn't told me anything, I figured that I should bring it up to her. I gave her more than enough time to inform me of the news.

Leaving my office, I walked in the house through the back door. I was not sure if she had made it home from work as I searched the house looking for her. It became evident that she had indeed been here and left. The red light on the keyless entry of the door gave that away. I was surprised because she didn't come to my office to speak like she normally does. I sat down on the sofa and I turned on the television; as I flipped through channels seeking something worth watching, I saw her car pull up. I remained seated until they came in the house. Immediately Ro' ran to me and gave me a hug, his little feet kicked at the air as he climbed up on the couch to sit next to me. He truly was my heart and I adored him. I touched my nose with my fingertip and he mocked me. It was our way of speaking through silence of keeping the secret. Wendy saw us and she gave us the eye.

"What are you two doing?"

"Nothing, it is something that I taught him."

"Well it looks suspicious."

She began laughing after making her smart-aleck statement and of course I found a problem with it. Being swift at the lips was also my second nature, if she hadn't noticed. I down played the situation and gave a hearty laugh. Normally I would not have let her get settled in before starting in on her, but knowing that she has some explaining to do I wanted to hear her out.

"How was your outing?"

"It was okay; I let Ralph run around at the park for a while before we headed home."

"I am sure he had fun; so Wendy is there anything that you have to tell me?"

"No, well at least I don't think so."

"You do not have anything that you want to make me aware of? Nothing at all"

"Nope."

The evil grin of the Grinch slowly appeared on my face. I could feel the churning of the wicked spirit coming into existence and much like McDonald's slogan, I was loving it.