Bear journals

3 0 J u l y 2 0 0 9 [2]

Journal: Page Seis

30 july 2009      9:00 pm

Drawing room (behind the sofa)

Humans were highly fragile creatures.

They were cowardly. They were selfish. They were arrogant. They had feelings.

I suppose that's what differentiated us humans from inanimate objects. Our ability to feel. Emotions were what truly made us human. And yet, we ran away from them.

We considered feelings to be the kinks in our armor and completely disregarded the actual faults in us. Feelings were what were holding us up, not pulling us down.

We just didn't want to be humane any longer. We didn't want the pain.

However, a beating heart was never a part of the teddy bear's body. Neither were the emotions and feelings attributed to the heart. 

Then why did it hurt so much? Why weren't my feelings like everything else in this body--numb? Why was I still human in this context?

The one time I wanted to be a feeling-less toy, I was rewarded with feelings.

The pain started in the pit of my stomach and spread into every inch of my body like a virus. It spread like wildfire. One minute it's just one tree that's on fire. The next thing you know the entire forest is burning.

 I clawed for air in that body. I was suffocating. The flames licked every part of me. I was burning.

I was dying. 

'Maybe the girl's prophecy would come true.'  I remember thinking. 'Maybe I was destined to die.'

The pain was so intense that it took over me. I had become the pain. It was all I'd ever known. I couldn't remember how it felt to be content. 

 Five years hadn't helped anything. In fact, the time had simply increased my hatred for him.

I hated him for leaving us.

I hated him for coming back after so long.

But what I hated most was how I couldn't hate him.

I wanted to. I swear I did. But every time I thought about him, a memory of him flying a paper plane for me would come to mind. 

Or one of him teasing me with the little girl I simply couldn't take my eyes off. 

Or a memory of him sitting alongside me on a roller coaster, trying to help me overcome my fear of heights.

He left us five years ago, claiming that we meant nothing to him. I remember the 12 year old me wondering if all the memories meant nothing to him.

The sad truth that I came to accept later was that they probably didn't.

The knowledge did nothing to soften my pain. All the pain I'd felt after he'd left suddenly came crashing on me upon his arrival. 

If I'd been human, I would've probably taken one look at the man and left the place. Stormed angrily into my room and slammed the door with a loud thud. It was what Ellie had done.

She was human.

But I wasn't. I had to endure his sick, apologetic face as he gave his reasons to mom. I had to sit in the room as they fought. I had to hear him give his reasons.

I had to.

The worst part was how he kept repeating my name to soothe her. 

The reason mom should let him stay? Marcus needed him.

The reason he came back? Marcus was in a difficult state.

The reason he left? We didn't need him. But now Marcus did.

What was I? An excuse?

Society was cruel. It thrived on gossip. I was the gossip.

I had come to accept this. Becoming the source of gossip was something that happened to everybody at some point in their lives.

But what I couldn't accept was the way my own people were using me. 

And as I sit writing this behind the couch, I hear mom let out a sigh and say the words that completely break me. 

"You can come in. But only for Marcus's sake."