Day of Age

Let it Go

I was laying in my room, feeling stupid for telling Austin I wasn’t ready. But I knew I wasn’t. I hated myself yet I was telling myself I was doing the right thing.  

A new thought popped into my head. Austin liked me from the moment he saw me. He didn’t like me to make me so I feel more accepted or whatever. He liked me because…I don’t know why. Why would a guy like me? The element of mystery in me that guys crave (do guys crave that, because I really don’t know?), my personality (why would a guy care about that?), my looks (I’m a vampire so I guess I’m suppose to be beautiful)? But whatever it was, it was strong enough to have him stay from what happened in Ledive Forest and my confession to me walking away out of fear of trusting again.

I’m not exactly like that popular 12 year old girl named Nessia Conner anymore. I’m not in any possible way overconfident like that. In 6th grade I was cocky and flirting with any boy willing to flirt back. I was a brat, a terrible, conceited brat. I would annoy teachers for fun, and embarrass other students for giggles. I was young and craving attention from my peers, both positive and negative. I died a bitch to teachers and other people. I was killed arrogant and low. Yet, I was remembered for being kind and considerate to everyone when that isn’t remotely true. I guess you could say I have a second chance to not be like that girl I use to be, and I’m using this chance to be afraid and tell my best friend who likes me more than I have anticipated that I’m not ready to trust? It’s not a way to live, but I don’t know what else to do besides what I did. So the back and forth in my mind about if I did the right thing continued for hours.

Julia walked into my room and I could actually feel her confusion when she saw me face planted into my bed.

“Uh…Nessia?” She poked my shoulder blade. I groaned weakly.

“What? I’m in mid-dying phase and you are interrupting,” I spoke helplessly. She walked to the opposite side of my king sized bed and sat down.

“Nessia, what’s wrong?” she poked my head until I was forced to raise it and look her in the eyes.

“Everything is wrong,” my head fell to my bed again. Julia sighed and I felt her hand lay on my head.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked. I shook my head ‘no’.  I really didn’t want to express to one of my best friends my insecurities among the trusting category.

“Okay,” she stood up , “I’ll let you figure that out, but let me know if you end up wanting to talk.” I went silent, because I knew I wouldn’t. She walked out of the room quietly.

                I pounded a pillow over my head repeatedly saying words like “Dumb ass”  “Stupid” “Why” “Are” “You”  “So”  “Dumb” “Dumb!” “Dumb!!”

                “God Damn it Nessia! You messed up a perfectly fine date with your issues!” I continued to hit my head with the pillow, “Stupid! Stupid!! Stupid!!!”

                “Don’t beat yourself up like that, Nessia,” a voice behind me spoke and scared the crap out of me. I looked behind my shoulder to see Carol standing there.