The Refugees

Chapter 30: Ash

Edited

My entire body feels weak and yet I have this inner strength in me to push through and get it out of her. I want to know, I want to know so badly that it eats away at me.

What does she think of me?

Some part of just hopes she hates me and simply thinks I'm a dumb provocative boy so that I don't go anywhere near her. After all I can't. I would ruin her, corrupt her. And she's so pure, too pure to be in this world and definitely too pure for me.

But the biggest part of me hopes for... No. Doesn't hope for anything.

What the fuck are you thinking Ash?

I'm annoying her. Good. She'll let it out eventually.

"Ash just drop it." She says, her brows tightly knit together.

"Savannah." I say holding her back by the wrist.

I hear her breathe out angrily before turning around to face me, a scowl on her face and tears in her eyes. Her eyes burn with a strong anger that it completely takes me off guard. I didn't know Savannah could even get like this.

"Fine! You want to know what you do to me?! You make my heart race and my cheeks burn and my stomach clench whenever you're near me and I think I like you but I didn't want to tell you because someone like you just doesn't like anyone full stop!" she yells as she glares holes through me.

I stare at her wide-eyed. I knew she was bound to say it eventually but not right this second and not this! I mean, I did sort of see it coming, but I did not expect her to do that. That's Savannah for you, always surprising me, proving my assumptions wrong. She's angry and probably hates me right now and yet she's confessing that she likes me.

I take a step closer, wanting to comfort her but she takes one backward. She's so cute, and although she is fueled up and pissed off, something about her makes her look so vulnerable and small. Her cheeks are crimson red and her eyebrows are frowning at me hopelessly. I get even closer and her eyes start to water once. She looks extremely nervous, her bottom lip quivering. She bites down on it to stop it from moving but I can tell that the only thing she fears right now is me. Her face starts to tense up as she starts to really realize what she has just said. Her eyes scrutinize every side and corner of the room, desperately avoiding my eyes. I let go of her wrist in utter shock and tears fall down the sides of her face. Everything is silent; she doesn't sob, her eyes widening in her own realization that she's crying.

I can't help it anymore. My body moves on its own. Maybe it's because I'm drunk or perhaps it's because I've been thinking of this moment, but unable to stop myself now, I wrap both my arms around her waist pulling her against me as I lean in and lock our lips together. She gasps slightly before I kiss her and I know at that moment that this is her first kiss. Her cheeks are so hot that I can feel the heat being emitted from them. 

As her body is against mine, I feel her fast heartbeat and I bet mine is just as fast. She makes me feel exhilarated something I barely feel nowadays. Before I questioned whether I liked this feeling or not and now I can clearly say I do. I let my hands wander on her back area, going underneath her shirt. Her knees somewhat buckle and all her force leaves her so I hold onto her more tightly.

I then let go realizing how impulsive and wrong that was. As I thought, Savannah is speechless, her eye staring at me in awe and surprise. I smile slightly at her expression.

She's so cute.

I could kiss her a thousand times. That kiss was a short-lived sweet and gentle kiss. A bit more than a peck but definitely nothing too outrageous and definitely not satisfying enough for my selfish and corrupted needs to want to end it like this but I hold back. I know I will regret anything more. 

I nervously scratch my head as I'm weirdly conscious of the situation now.

She seems completely confused and lost. She's never done this before. That much is obvious. It doesn't change that I liked the kiss but I weirdly feel guilty. I can still feel her cheeks' heat on my own. Seeing her this vulnerable, this innocent makes me feel responsible. I caused this. I kissed her wanting to break down that innocence of hers. Wanting to completely break that innocent smile of hers. I wanted to make her feel real emotions such as lust, or maybe that's just an excuse for my selfishness. Her innocence is so real and yet it makes her so distant, as if she were a star that was unreachable no matter how high up you are. Kissing her even if it was just a moment made her feel reachable; like I am touching this faraway star that I thought was unattainable and bringing it down to Earth. 

But maybe that was the wrong move. Maybe she was always meant to shine brightly with the other stars in the night, as she guided those in the dark. Maybe bringing her down her takes away her brilliance. Maybe I took away Savannah's brilliance.

I feel my entire body start to feel weaker as the guilt starts to take over me.

What did I do? I can't. I shouldn't have. 

Dizziness takes over me and I step away from her as her eyes are still sparkling with misunderstanding. I can tell she's trying to analyze what caused me to do that, what it meant and part of doesn't even want to answer her now. My head hurts with a pain that isn't leaving.

Then a sudden realization of her part makes her step back too.

"Do you even like me?" She asks, concern and irritation written all over her face.

I look down, a million thoughts racing through my mind as I can't give her a straight answer.

I didn't know what to reply. Do I? Do I actually like her? Or is she just another girl towards which I show my affection? Even if I did like her, I don't want to admit something so precious as to say I like her in my drunken state. I've never said it to anyone before and I don't know if I even could say it now.

The doorbell rings and part of is thankful that Declan is here to break off the rising tension between Savannah and I.

She opens the door and I stay behind her looking at her with a feeling of regret already. I shouldn't have. Declan enters the room with a wide smirk on his face. He's been here for less than a minute but I bet he already knows what has happened.

"Did I interrupt?" He says noticing the weird atmosphere in the room. I look away avoiding his perceptive eyes.

"No." She replies her voice closing off the subject. I can hear the disappointment in her voice.

He has and he knows it, but what bothered me more was the tone of Savannah's voice. I turn to glare at Declan, he only asked to get on my nerves and make it even more awkward. Savannah goes into the bathroom to shower and get ready for bed and I know that to Declan it means he has an invitation to ask me thousands of questions.

"So what'd I miss?" He asks his eyes eager for information.

Shut up. I don't want to be taunted more than I already am about it.

~~~

Song: Sleeping at Last - Light